Archive for July, 2010

I suck at golf, but I have never blamed it on the equipment.

“It’s not the bow-and-arrow. It’s the Indian.”

(Or in the case of politically correct MSU, it’s the Mustang!)

Back in the late 80’s my second wife gave me two presents. She gave me a full set of Ping Eye irons on Christmas — then left me for an old boyfriend the next summer.

I still play with those irons.

But I have never spent much money on woods (metals, if you prefer).

I bought my driver, 3-wood and 5-wood at Sam’s for about 30 bucks apiece.

Then 10 years ago, I won a Mizuno driver during a media event down at The Cliffs.

That Mizuno was considered a big-headed driver back then.

But in a few years, they found DGH (driver growth hormone) and started injecting steroids into golf clubs.

Now I see friends driving to the golf course in cars smaller than their drivers.

They pull up in a sardine can, but when they get to the first tee, they pull out a club that looks like it could take out the whole Taliban in one big swoop.

Everybody I play golf with has these big-headed drivers.

So I was beginning to feel like a white boy hanging with the Harlem Globetrotters.

With two golf tournaments coming up in the next four days, I broke down and bought me one of those big drivers.

I didn’t spend 500 bucks on one like some people do. I went to Academy and took advantage of their sale on Taylor Made Burners. I spent $99.

It may not help my awful golf game, but just pulling it out of my bag is sure to help my self esteem.

P.S.: I will take my big stick to the golf course on Friday. So see you again on Monday

Just don’t understand all this fuss about putting a nightclub on Southwest Parkway.

By reading all the stories our paper has run on the issue, you might think someone is trying to open up a whore house.

“Coming Soon: Chicken Ranch II on 369.”

Maybe ZZ Top will write a song about us.

But Hooterville Falls is not trying to be the next LaGrange.

All people are asking is to open a new club on the southwest part of town.

The righteous are against us sinners having any fun at all.

I mean do you know what goes on in one of these clubs.

Drinking and smoking and dancing.

Might even want to throw in the “f” word, too.

FUN.

“Please keep this a family area,” the righteous scream.

My answer — go to the Plex for your family fun.

We nasty sinners can drink and dance and have out fun without you.

After all, beer-drinking doesn’t lead to the demise of a nice neighborhood.

Look at Monroe Street.

There are no bars there.

Must be those damn antique stores and book stores that did them in.

Parkway Grill is just down SW Parkway from where the new club wants to go.

Those beer-drinking sots are probably falling off their bar stools down there.

You righteous ones want to close it down too?

The Crazy Horse Saloon opened not long ago in the strip mall at the corner of the Jacksboro Highway and Midwestern Parkway.

Dogpatch people didn’t complain.

This stupid fuss is typical of my hometown.

I remember when they told us how that naughty cable TV would send us all to hell.

Or when we were warned that approving liquor-by-the-drink would turn us Alcoholic Falls.

Wonder what the official count now is on vacant buildings in this town.

But we finally got a Dairy Queen and a Jack in the Box.

Whoopeeeeee!

Personally, I’d rather have a Hooters.

Doubt that will be happening anytime soon.

The righteous ones won’t allow it.

Not that it went anywhere. And I really didn’t go anywhere either, except to Dallas one weekend for a family wedding.

Nope, the blog lull over the summer could mostly be blamed on wrapping myself in the World Cup (much to my wife’s chagrin) and then I took some time off in various parts of July.

But now we’re a week away from football starting up. Just like last year, starting the day players report (Aug. 2), I’ll be blogging every day on an area high school football topic.

Just like last year, we’ll have “Sack Zach” again on the website. So everyone can try their hand at picking against me the entire football season.

And I’m adding something else to the website — a (hopefully) weekly podcast that looks at just about anything I want to discuss.

The first guest will be KFDX’s Ricardo Lecompte, who is leaving soon to join a TV station in Waco. I’ll always have some sort of guest, and I think it’ll be a neat little deal that people can listen to while killing time.

Plus, as my boss Nick Gholson told me last week, I have a face for radio. So hopefully I have a voice for audio, too.

Anyway, check back next week to get your daily blog action.

I must admit I was stunned by the recent news about Zsa Zsa Gabor.

It wasn’t the falling and breaking her hip that was such a surprise to me.

The real shocker is that she is still alive.

Didn’t she die 20 years ago?

Look, I’m a senior citizen, and Zsa Zsa was born almost 30 years before me.

She had two husbands before I ever had one diaper change.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is 93 years old.

Another thing that stunned me is that she has been married 24 years to her current husband. Frederic Priz von Anhalt is hubby No. 9 for her. The longest she was with any of her first eight husbands was seven years.  The shortest was one day.

Young people today have probably never heard of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

But when old-timers like me were growing up, she was a big movie star.

Why, I don’t know.

I have never seen one Zsa Zsa Gabor movie.

In fact, I can’t name one Zsa Zsa Gabor movie.

Maybe that’s because she sucked as an actress.

I Googled her filmography and came up with movie titles like this:

“Frankenstein’s Great Aunt Tillie.”

“Won Ton Ton, The Dog Who Saved Hollywood.”

“Queen of Outer Space.”

Not exactly Academy Award stuff.

But she “darling-ed” and diamond-ed her way to fame and fortune.

Get well, Zsa Zsa.

You don’t want to miss that 25th wedding anniversary next year.

The Tour de France has come and gone for another year.

And if you actually know the name of the winner — well then all I can say is “Get a Life.”

Although I admire the event as a tremendous athletic endeavor, it has no entertainment value whatsoever for me.

I’m not a bicycle guy — haven’t been since I got my driver’s license.

The way I see it is if the Good Lord had wanted me to ride a bicycle, he wouldn’t have invented the car.

And bicycling on TV?

Come on now.

Where do they show it — on some shopping channel?

And I really don’t even like France.

They are the rudest people on this planet.

Lance Armstrong had us interested in this bike race for a little while. I’m not sure if he cheated or not, but just the fact that we had a cancer survivor from Texas win seven Tours was a good story.

What’s-his-name from Spain has now won three out  of the last four.

Excuse me while I yawn.

The Tour de France does one thing right.

It is held during the most boring sports month of the year.

If they held it in October, it wouldn’t even be a blip on the American sports radar.

Even Lance Armstrong might be Lance Who?

It’s really hard for me to imagine Hooterville Falls being a non-cafeteria town.

The story in our paper today said that Luby’s has been in business here since 1951.

I can remember the downtown location on Scott Street and also the one in Parker Square.

Lillie Mae playing the piano while you gobbled up chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.

We didn’t give a damn about cholesterol back then.

Pass the fried okra.

I still miss the breakfasts at the downtown Piccadilly.

And how about the downtown Steere’s Cafeteria?

I remember when old man Steere gave us  all-you-can-eat for a dollar.

For a few nickels more, Underwood’s would fill us up with barbecue and cherry cobbler.

But now it looks like Luby’s — the last of the cafeteria Mohicans here — is on life support.

While announcing yesterday that his cafeteria will no longer serve supper and also close on Saturdays,  my friend Bill Daniel insisted that there are no plans to close Luby’s.

Still, I won’t be surprised our last cafeteria shut down sooner or later. And I would bet on sooner.

I guess all good things come to an end — and Luby’s has served up really good food for almost as long as I have lived.

Also, this  is not that chain Luby’s we see all over Texas. This is a cafeteria owned and operated by home boys.

Sonic Drive-In is awful, but we have 10 of them here.

What does that say about our town?

And you wonder why I call it Hooterville Falls?

Most sports fans in our part of the world only ask one thing of the Texas Rangers every summer.

Just keep us interested until training camp opens.

Once the Cowboys start camp, baseball season is finished around here.

Or at least that is how it has been for much of the last 38 years.

But this summer is different — or at least I hope so.

The Rangers are about to play the most important four-game series of the season.

And ironically, that series will be going on the very day the Cowboys open camp down in San Antonio.

It has been a long time since the Rangers played such an important series this early.

But if Texas can somehow win three of four games against the Angels, it will be sitting pretty in the AL West.

The good news is all four games will be at the Ballpark in Arlington, where the Rangers are 31-19 this year. The Angels are just 24-25 on the road.

Three out of four would give Texas a seven game lead (eight in the loss column).

That means if the Rangers play just .500 ball in the remaining 63 games, the Angels would have to play 17 over .500 to overtake them.

Should Texas just win one-lose one and go 31-30 the rest of the way, LA would have to go 39-22.

The Rangers were 35-28 in their first 63 games this year and are now a much better team with Cliff Lee as the ace and a healthy lineup that they didn’t have in the first part of the season.

Lee takes on Jered Weaver tonight in what looks like one of the best pitching matchups of the season.

I’m not even thinking Cowboys right now. Are you?

The boss and I need to talk.

Years back when Donna Adams was running for a city council seat, her supporters asked me if I would put up one of her yard signs in front of my house.

I like Donna Adams. She has been my insurance agent for almost 25 years.

I was going to vote for her.

But the newspaper has rules about an employee’s political affiliations.

The boss doesn’t tell us whom to vote for but there are rules discouraging us from aligning ourselves with any political groups or playing a role in someone’s political campaign.

I understand the rules.

I agree with the rules.

I play by the rules.

So I told Donna Adams “no.”

I could not put a sign in my front yard.

Then earlier this month I read in our paper that Larry Petrash had been elected president of the Wichita County Republican Men’s Club.

Isn’t that breaking the rules?

Petrash is not an employee of this newspaper, but he does serve as a community member of the TRN editorial board and writes a weekly right wing column on the op-ed page.

If I can’t have a “Vote for Donna Adams” sign in my front yard or an Obama bumper sticker on my car, should my boss allow him to serve as president of some Republican men’s club?

Maybe I am just frustrated that our country is bombarded by a highly-popular 24-hour news network that supports the Republican Party.

Maybe I am just frustrated with U.S. politics all together.

It’s not like we need that to tell us where he is coming from, but I think to be fair we should at least compromise and put in the tag line at the end of Petrash’s columns that he is president of this Republican group.

What do you think?

Maya Arulpragasam, or the artist known as M.I.A., is one of the remaining “characters” in the music business. She is kind of reclusive to people in the United States, but she produces high quality music.

Her new album, Maya, is completely strange and odd and weird, but at the same time, it is really good. Just like her last two.

I have a feeling it will take a while before I can really appreciate it, but I like what is going on with this one.

It starts off spacey and it pretty much stays that way. The girl is out there.

I was thinking about this the other day in my car: if David Bowie had a kid that met Lil’ Wayne’s kid and those two met up and had a kid, it would be M.I.A. (or pineapple express). A little bit of gangsta’ meshed with Ziggy Stardust.

I’ve given “Maya” a once over, nothing too in depth, and I’m really digging it. I’m going to say one of these songs will wind up as the anthem for an upcoming Judd Apatow film.

Then some more people might appreciate her more than before.

Two things caught my attention this weekend.

1. They didn’t serve beer at the Bun B/Slim Thug concert Saturday night because, from what I heard, it was a “family event.”

2. You have to have a type (I’ll get into the particulars of this one later) of military ID to buy beer at the mini mall at Anthony’s Pizza on SAFB.

–

I still don’t know what Kay Yeager is doing. They’ll serve beer at this show, but they won’t serve at this one. But it seems, to me, if it is a potentially hood event, they cut off the flow of bud light.

Don’t get it. You have to basically be an adult to purchase a rap CD with the Parental Advisory sticker, but seeing the guys in a public Wichita Falls setting crosses the line of adulthood. I didn’t hear the show once being promoted as a “family event.”

Why wouldn’t you want to let people know that up front, at least from a business perspective. Wouldn’t some people be leery of sending their kids to the show because of the unknown tied to alcohol? Promo the thing truthfully and people won’t be disappointed. They serve beer at Kay Yeager on just about every concert event, but not this one.

Music at the Kay Yeager sounds better with a beer.

–

I can get on base because of my retired military dad, my brother who works on base and most of my buddies that do the same.

Yesterday I planned to meet my buddy, a newly joined member of the reserves serving at Sheppard, for dinner. I didn’t really feel like eating so I figured it was a safe assumption that I would just drink a beer with a guy I hadn’t seen in about seven years.

I was told I wasn’t able to buy a beer because I wasn’t 1.) military and 2.) didn’t have a military dependent ID. Showing a state issued driver’s license didn’t help.

So, I’m allowed to buy anything else at Anthony’s Pizza that I want, but I can’t buy beer? Did the general institute another new rule everybody hasn’t heard about?

The strange thing is that I have bought a beer from that exact location before and within the past three months. I told the employees last night of this previous event, but they of course blamed the past event on the stupidity of employee who did the deed.

There isn’t a sign posted, nor a written and signed agreement of such rule to walk into the mini mall; just an unspoken law that only the people at Anthony’s Pizza can pull out of thin air when they feel like it.

I wish they would have just told me that they were out of beer or they stopped selling beer past 19:21.

I spent my 4^th of July weekend in Las Vegas.  While Sin City was never on my wish list of travel destinations, my wife had been many years ago and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  She raved about the extravagant shows and endless entertainment options.  So after years of her wearing me down, it was viva las vegas.

Upon leaving the airport, the first thing I was struck by—literally—was the heat.  As soon as I left the airport, a wall of heat nearly took me off my feet.  Even by north Texas standards, it was smoking hot.  After checking into our hotel on the Vegas strip, my wife and I decided to venture out into the desert climate. 

Once on the strip, I was taken aback by the prevalence of booze on the street – it’s legal to consume alcohol on public sidewalks and outside areas.  Even in 100+ degree heat, young (mostly) partygoers carried and drank beer as they hopped from one hot spot to another.  The combination of heat and alcohol got me thinking about sun safety, and coincidently, the tips below for preventing heat-related illnesses appeared in my inbox today, courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). 

It’s too late for these tips to help me in Las Vegas, but perhaps they’ll help you and yours this summer in the blistering north Texas heat. 

What else did I do in Vegas?  WHIVSIV.

The best defense against heat illness is prevention. Here are some prevention tips:

• Drink more fluids (nonalcoholic), regardless of your activity level. Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to drink. Warning: If your doctor generally limits the amount of fluid you drink or has you on water pills, ask him how much you should drink while the weather is hot.
   
• Don’t drink liquids that contain alcohol or large amounts of sugar–these actually cause you to lose more body fluid. Also, avoid very cold drinks, because they can cause stomach cramps.
   
• Stay indoors and, if at all possible, stay in an air-conditioned place. If your home does not have air conditioning, go to the shopping mall or public library–even a few hours spent in air conditioning can help your body stay cooler when you go back into the heat. Call your local health department to see if there are any heat-relief shelters in your area.
   
• Electric fans may provide comfort, but when the temperature is in the high 90s, fans will not prevent heat-related illness. Taking a cool shower or bath, or moving to an air-conditioned place is a much better way to cool off.
   
• Wear lightweight, light-colored, loose-fitting clothing.
   
• NEVER leave anyone in a closed, parked vehicle.
   
• Although any one at any time can suffer from heat-related illness, some people are at greater risk than others. Check regularly on:
   
  • Infants and young children
  • People aged 65 or older
  • People who have a mental illness
  • Those who are physically ill, especially with heart disease or high blood pressure
     
• Visit adults at risk at least twice a day and closely watch them for signs of heat exhaustion or heat stroke. Infants and young children, of course, need much more frequent watching.

If you must be out in the heat:

• Limit your outdoor activity to morning and evening hours.
   
• Cut down on exercise. If you must exercise, drink two to four glasses of cool, nonalcoholic fluids each hour.  A sports beverage can replace the salt and minerals you lose in sweat. Warning: If you are on a low-salt diet, talk with your doctor before drinking a sports beverage. Remember the warning in the first “tip” (above), too.
   
• Try to rest often in shady areas.
   

Protect yourself from the sun by wearing a wide-brimmed hat (also keeps you cooler) and sunglasses and by putting on sunscreen of SPF 15 or higher (the most effective products say “broad spectrum” or “UVA/UVB protection” on their labels).

Brett Moyer, Community Relations Coordinator

Betty White is right.

Facebook is one huge waste of time.

I don’t want to see pictures of my friends’ kids. Compared to my good-looking grandson, they’re all of bunch of ugly ducklings.

I don’t care where you are going to spend your weekend.

Romance?  Look it up in your thesaurus and you will find “Bull shit.”

And what’s with this changing pictures every day?

When you take one of those glamour shots and still look like the wicked witch of the west, then face it, you’re ugleeeeeeeeeee.

I’m not buying anything that Lee Weaver is selling.

Don’t try to send me any more of those “fortune cookies.” I have never opened one.

I don’t play Family Feud or Mafia Wars or FarmVille or any games.

And as far as the senior class of 64 — I didn’t like most of you when I was in high school. Why do you think I want to re-connect now?

Then yesterday, I get an e-mail from a really big corporate boss informing me that Scripps News Online is now on Facebook and it will keep me “up to date on what’s taking place with our co-workers and our businesses.”

Makes me wonder if companies are going to start firing people on Facebook.

If so, I may never know it because from here to maybe eternity — or at least the next couple of weeks — I am going to stay away from Facebook.

So, boss, if you decide to fire me while I’m on vacation, just send a text.

P.S.  I really am going on vacation.  Talk to you again in a couple of weeks.