Archive for February, 2010

I know I am a week late doing this, but I finally have decided what i want to give up for Lent.
I’m giving up Lent.
Hope the Good Lord doesn’t change me into a pillar of salt for making this decision.
But with all the bad stuff going on all over the world, I imagine the Almighty has much more important things to worry about than what his so-called followers are going to deny themsevles over the next few weeks.
In short,I think Lent is dumb.
It is just plain stupid to think that we are remembering the sacrifice that Jesus made for us by eating a fish sandwich instead of a hamburger.
He bled and died, so we won’t eat anchoves for a few weeks?
And now I hear my friends trying to sidestep Lent.
One who giving up sweet tea asked if I thought it would be OK if she didn’t order sweet tea but instead bought unsweetened tea and put the sugar in it herself.
Then there was a co-worker who is giving up Coke but wondering if God would think it’s OK to drink Dr Pepper.
To me that’s like Jesus going to the cross and asking for thumb tacks.
“And instead of really dying, could i just faint for a few minutes?”
We Christians are called on to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow HIm.
365 days a year.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say we should give up liver and onions for 40 days and 40 nights.

I had to either be drunk, stoned or bored out of mind a couple of nights ago when I caught myself actually watching Olympic ice dancing.
Softball and baseball have been kicked out of the Olympics, yet they keep this stuff?
But I watched for awhile and it made me wonder.
Will the day ever come when we see gay ice dancing in the Olympics?
The closet is emptying quickly.
We no longer care if Heather has two mommies.
So what if daddy has a roommate named George?
Same-sex marriages? Go right ahead.
So sooner or later the Olympic bosses are going to have to open their minds and allow Joe and Sam or Sally and Mary to dance for the gold.
And if I am drunk or stoned or bored out of my mind, I might even watch.

To all of you who ever said — or even thought — “Put ‘em on a boat and send them back to Africa.”
To all of you would not vote for a black president simply because of his skin color.
To all of you — who, like me, — mistakenly that thought the biggest contributions that black people have made to this country was in sports and entertainment.
To all of you who ever thought that February should not be recognized as Black History Month.
Please read the following:
“A very humorous and revealing story is told about a group of white people who were fed up with African Americans, so they joined together and wished themselves away. They passed through a deep dark tunnel and emerged in sort of a twilight zone where there is an America without black people.
At first these white people breathed a sigh of relief.
‘At last’, they said, ‘no more crime, drugs, violence and welfare.’
All of the blacks have gone! Then suddenly, reality set in. The ‘NEW AMERICA’ is not America at all – only a barren land.
1. There are very few crops that have flourished because the nation was built on a slave-supported system.
2. There are no cities with tall skyscrapers because Alexander Mils, a black man, invented the elevator, and without it, one finds great difficulty reaching higher floors.
3. There are few if any cars because Richard Spikes, a black man, invented the automatic gearshift, Joseph Gambol, also black, invented the Super Charge System for Internal Combustion Engines, and Garrett A.. Morgan, a black man, invented the traffic signals.
4. Furthermore, one could not use the rapid transit system because its procurer was the electric trolley, which was invented by another black man, Albert R. Robinson.
5. Even if there were streets on which cars and a rapid transit system could operate, they were cluttered with paper because an African American, Charles Brooks, invented the street sweeper..
6. There were few if any newspapers, magazines and books because John Love invented the pencil sharpener, William Purveys invented the fountain pen, and Lee Barrage invented the Type Writing Machine and W. A. Love invented the Advanced Printing Press. They were all, you guessed it, black..
7. Even if Americans could write their letters, articles and books, they would not have been transported by mail because William Barry invented the Postmarking and Canceling Machine, William Purveys invented the Hand Stamp and Philip Downing invented the Letter Drop.
8. The lawns were brown and wilted because Joseph Smith invented the Lawn Sprinkler and John Burr the Lawn Mower.
9. When they entered their homes, they found them to be poorly ventilated and poorly heated. You see, Frederick Jones invented the Air Conditioner and Alice Parker the Heating Furnace. Their homes were also dim. But of course, Lewis Lattimer later invented the Electric Lamp, Michael Harvey invented the lantern, and Granville T. Woods invented the Automatic Cut off Switch. Their homes were also filthy because Thomas W. Steward invented the Mop and Lloyd P. Ray the Dust Pan.
10. Their children met them at the door – barefooted, shabby, motley and unkempt. But what could one expect? Jan E. Matzelinger invented the Shoe Lasting Machine, Walter Sammons invented the Comb, Sarah Boone invented the Ironing Board, and George T. Samon invented the Clothes Dryer.
11. Finally, they were resigned to at least have dinner amidst all of this turmoil. But here again, the food had spoiled because another black man, John Standard invented the refrigerator…
Now, isn’t that something? What would this country be like without the contributions of blacks, as African-Americans?
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, ‘by the time we leave for work, millions of Americans have depended on the inventions from the minds of blacks.’
Black history includes more than just slavery, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Marcus Garvey & W.E.B. Dubois.

No surprise that Graham decided to go with defensive coordinator Kenny Davidson.
I’ve known Davidson for a while, but did not really know anything about him. He’s got a pretty impressive coaching resume, and I think he’ll be a good fit.
If Graham had opened it up to the masses, then I’m sure some very interesting names would have popped up.
But the school board is obviously happy with the coaches in place and didn’t want to lose a lot of great guys.
A couple other things I’ve heard/know:

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I’ve been debating this fact with my coworkers over the past week, and I really believe going topless in a film, or any nudity, helps a woman’s chance of being recognized by the Academy.
Think about Kate Winslet.
How about Halle Berry.
And if I remember correctly, Renee Zellweger did the deed in “Cold Mountain.”
All of these women were at least nominated for their roles, and coincidentally, they showed a little skin.
Nothing is wrong with that, especially if you’re a watching.
Maggie Gyllenhall, who is nominated this year for “Crazy Heart,” shows some skin in here role while doing the deed with Jeff Bridges.
But I think the kicker is that a woman has to do this in an “artsy” film. Most of what Winslet does is “artsy.” Halle did it in “Monster’s Ball.”
I’ve looked over who has been nominated over the past decade for best actress or best supporting actress (and its really over the past decade) that woman have started to take off their clothes for infamy.
I just hope actors won’t have to start going bottomless to be recognized.

A Wichita Falls woman is in jail today for allegedly selling her unborn baby to two New York couples.
The way I read the front page story in today’s paper, she was doubling her money by promising to let both couples adopt the child. One got the kid. The other got the shaft.
The shafted couple say they paid out than $20,000.
Would it not have been cheaper to buy a puppy?
And when I see the mug shot of the jailed mama, I think I might rather have a four-legged dog.
This woman is Ugleeeeeeeeeeeee.
And somewhere in the Bible — I believe in the book of Lot — it says that ugly people begat ugly kids.
Plus, the story said she is also being held in jail on a parole violation.
Mama has been in prison.
Did anybody bother to do a background check before handing over all that cash?
I can think of a lot better ways to spend $20,000.
If there were a law against stupid, both of these couples would be sharing a cell with mama today.

Tiger Woods is going to apologize to all of us on Friday.
Don’t bother, Eldrick.
I don’t need some staged five-minute sideshow — produced and directed by a bunch of PR guys.
If you want to talk, let the media ask questions.
Otherwise, nothing you read or memorize is going to get me to jump on the “Save the Tiger” bandwagon.
Tiger Woods doesn’t owe me an apology.
I don’t care how many women he banged.
I don’t care if he did it with Rachel Alexandra right after she won the Belmont.
He could have played a romantic threesome with Fuzzy Zoeller and Isao Aoki — it doesn’
t bother me.
If you want to apologize to me, Eldrick, say you are sorry for snubbing Colonial the last 13 years or skipping out on the Nelson ever since Byron died.
Yes, Tiger, you are the greatest golfer in the world. No arguing that.
But that’s all you are.
You are not my hero or role model.
No one in my family idolizes you.
You didn’t disappoint any of us because you have no significance in our lives.
So save the stupid apology for your wife and kids.
And tell them the truth. You are sorry you got caught.
You are sorry you became a big joke for the Lenos and Lettermen of the world.
You are sorry you lost all that sponsor money.
But don’t try to tell me you are sorry for making whoopee with every barmaid, waitress, model and porn star who spread her legs in your zillion dollar presence.
Heck, most guys I know would take your leftovers.
Still, more people will watch this dumb ass apology today than will watch the best golfers left in the world tee it up at the Accenture Match Play Championship,
That’s another bad PR move. Not only is the timing bad, but Accenture just happened to be the first sponsor to publicly drop Tiger as its spokesman.
You will look sad. You may cry.
It will be professional golf imitating professional wrestling.
All fake.

Jimmy Johnson has been catching a lot of media criticism since he recently became the spokesman for ExtenZe.
The way I see it is who better to peddle a pill that promises to give all of us men longer and harder johnsons that a guy named Johnson.
“Go long,” the former Dallas Cowboys coach says as he pitches a football at the end of his commercial pitch.
“How ’bout that Johnson!”
Can you even imagine Tom Landry doing a commercial like this?
Or Lyndon Johnson?
The ExtenZe Web site promises that “having a larger penis and enjoying a more fulfilling sex life is possible and attainable.”
Well sign me and my sleeping buddy here up. And if it works on us, my 2010 Christmas shopping is all done.
All of my friends are going to get ExtenZe in their stockings.
And the girls won’t be left out.
There is ExtenZe for women.
It won’t give you a bigger johnson, but it does promise “explosive orgasms.”
How ’bout them Cowboys!!!
But if ExtenZe is promising all of us to magically improve all our johnsons, wouldn’t Earvin “Magic” Johnson have been a better spokesman?

When I was growing up, we recognized two presidential birthdays in February — Lincoln on Feb. 12 and Washington on Feb. 22.
Now our kids probably can’t tell you the birthday of either one of these guys — who our country considers the two greatest presidents of all time.
Instead we have President’s Day,
Most of us get seven holidays a year.
The federal government takes 10.
So the banks are closed and your mailbox will be empty.
I would not have remembered President’s Day if Dillards, Verizon and Hamilton Bryan had not reminded me in the paper today.
I am sure if you drive my certain car lots, there will some dude dressed up like Abe Lincoln waving and inviting you to test drive a Volvo.
Our country has had 44 presidents. Most of them aren’t worth celebrating.
Most polls show that people consider Washington, Lincoln and FDR to be the three best presidents of all time.
James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson and Franklin Pierce are usually ranked the three worst.
Buchanan preceded Lincoln.
Johnson followed Lincoln.
No way these two guys are ever going to get any love.
Franklin Pierce, it seems to me, was the Jimmy Carter of the 19th Century — a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Good men usually don’t make good presidents. Skirt chasers and snake oil salesman often do.
There have been 12 presidents in my lifetime. Barack Obama hasn’t been in office long enough to get a rating, so I will just list the 11 others in order of the Nicky G approval rating.
1. Harry Truman
2. Bill Clinton;
3. Dwight Eisenhower.
4. John Kennedy
5. Ronald Reagan
6. Gerald Ford
7. George HW Bush
8. Lyndon Johnson
9. Jimmy Carter
10. Richard Nixon
11. George W. Bush

I was going to write a blog earlier in the week about how quiet it had been on the coaching change front.
I never got around to doing it. And now it’s too late to truthfully write it.
Within a 24-hour period, both the Graham and Quanah jobs became open.
It’s not too surprising. Lots of people figured Brad McCoy would leave Graham once Case graduated, and honestly I was just waiting for this to happen.
And James McDaniel retired from Quanah after 35 years with the school district. I remember talking to him a couple years ago for a column I was working on, and the r-word had been mentioned. So that’s no surprise.
Both guys are very good coaches and even better men. I wish them the best.
Let’s look at what might happen now:

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The opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics is tonight.
And I feel left out.
For the first 57 years of my life, this would have been no big deal.
You don’t miss what you never had.
But I have been fortunate enough to have covered the last three Olympics — in Athens, Torino and Beijing — so tonight I am beginning to feel lost.
I feel like I should be there.
The opening ceremony of an Olympics is something special.
In Athens, I watched it alongside a bunch of proud Greek people. For the first time in my life, I felt a bond with the world outside of Hooterville Falls.
Then in Torino, we were treated to the final performance of the great Pavarotti.
He sang his signature aria that night, and although I have never been an opera fan, this was unbelievable.
After his death, somebody reported it was a lip synch.
Maybe. Maybe not. But a Pavarotti lip synch is better than most singers’ real deal.
Sophia Loren, also appeared at the Torino cermonies.
It’s strange being turned onby a 75-year-old woman, but Sophia is the hottest 75-year-old woman on the planet.
Opening ceremonies in the Bird’s Nest at Beijing may never be bettered by any other country.
The Chinese know how to put on a show.
For the two weeks I was there, I just could not get that theme song out of my mind.
I still catch myself humming it two years later.
I will watch what happens in Vancouver tonight and for the next two weeks.
But it won’t be the same.

l personally don’t give a damn about global warming.
That doesn’t make me a socialist or a capitalist.
It doesn’t make me Democrat or Republican.
It doesn’t make me swing from the left or from the right.
It doesn’t make me gay or straight.
I am not a scientist, so I am not going to get into some fact-or-fiction debate with anybody.
If the earth burns up, I won’t be around to roast marshmallows on Pikes Peak.
From what I read, if global warming is real, the earth won’t even start to fry until the next century.
My grandson — the youngest person I really love — would have to live to be 107 to see 2100.
Tree huggers predict doom.
Oilmen think it’s B.S.
So why has this become a political issue?
Do we not have enough health care issues, wars, terrorist threats, budget deficits and poverty to keep Washington busy?
Or have the scum of the earth lobbyists stuck enough hundred dollar bills in Congress’ back pockets to make global warming an issue?
Al Gore, who should have been president in 2000, says:
“Two thousand scientists, in a hundred countries, engaged in the most elaborate, well organized scientific collaboration in the history of humankind, have produced long-since a consensus that we will face a string of terrible catastrophes unless we act to prepare ourselves and deal with the underlying causes of global warming.”
John McCain, a man who wanted to president, said:
“We have many advantages in the fight against global warming, but time is not one of them. Instead of idly debating the precise extent of global warming, or the precise timeline of global warming, we need to deal with the central facts of rising temperatures, rising waters, and all the endless troubles that global warming will bring. We stand warned by serious and credible scientists across the world that time is short and the dangers are great. The most relevant question now is whether our own government is equal to the challenge.”
And then there’s Sarah Palin, who will probably be the Republican candidate for president in 2012:
She calls studies supporting global warming a “bunch of snake oil science.”
George W. Bush, a man who shouldn’t have been president, said:
“Global what?”
Gotta go now. There is snow to shovel.
“Global what?”

Sometimes you have to do more than Observe and Report. After I watched this video of the beating and the interview done afterward, I was shocked.
You can’t just stand by in life and see someone get knocked down and beaten severely. Especially if it is a teenager and you’re the grown man in the room.
Maybe these guards were worried about what would happened if they got involved. I’ve heard stories of retail store employees getting fired because they chased down a thief and reclaimed the store’s merchandise.
If one of the guards had jumped in and one of the others involved got hurt, I could only imagine what would happen, probably a lawsuit.
Regardless, do something. Easier said than done, I guess.

I was a P-2 customer before I was legal.
I was a P-2 customer before Jean Woodley — the car hop — probably ever spilt a beer on anyone.
I was a P-2 customer long before Lloyd Ruby ever raced at Indianapolis.
I was a P-2 customer before I could even spell Budweiser.
I think I was 9 the first time I walked into P-2.
I grew up in the 1500 block of Travis — an easy pitching wedge away from the McBride family’s second Pioneer.
When my daddy wanted a hamburger, P-2 was the closest place around.
And little Nicky was his little go-for.
So off to P-2 I went.
I remember the first time he sent me there.
I walked up to the front of the little building and saw a “Stag Bar” sign above the door.
I was confused. I knew — I think from “Bambi”– that a stag was a male deer.
But male deer don’t drink beer.
What was going on in there?
I ran home and told my daddy.
He never explained what a “Stag Bar” was. Instead, he told me to run back and get our hamburgers.
So I minded.
The “Stag Bar” was like most all the other bars Daddy had taken.me to except that the guys inside all stood at the bar instead of sitting on stools or in booths.
That, I guess, is why Daddy preferred doing his drinking at Tuck Inn, Lee’s and Bar-L instead of P-2. You see, my Daddy was a serious drinker. Too serious to be doing it standing up. That would be dangerous.
The drinkers at P-2 were always the same guys.
They were all nice to a little kid like me, so when time came for me to peddle Kid Baseball or Midget Football buttons, I had them as loyal customers.
I always liked the “Cheers” atmosphere at P-2 but for some reason or other, never became a loyal customer.
Like my Daddy, I preferred Bar-L.
Both P-2 and Bar-L are Wichita Falls landmarks.
Heck, they are Texas landmarks.
So I am hoping the new owners who bought P-2 from Jean Woodley won’t do what the new owners have done to Bar-L.
My wife and I went to Bar-L last night and the place was lit up like the damn Lantern House.
I don’;t want light with my beer joints.
I want darkness.
That way you can’t see the dirt on the floor, the tear in the seat cushions — and the girls really do get prettier at closing time.
Although in a “Stag Bar,” of course, that last part doesn’t really matter.

Thought I’d share some last thoughts on the matter before moving onto other spring things.
I’ve heard a few 2A and A coaches not really complaining — maybe lamenting is the word i’m looking for — over the discrepancy in playoff teams among the classes. Here are the percentages:
5A – 52% (128 of 245)
4A – 52% (128 of 246)
3A – 51% (96 of 190)
2A – 28% (64 of 229)
1A 11 man – 38% (64 of 167)
1A 6 man – 49% (64 of 130)
Obviously, 2A and A are getting kinda shafted. I’ve had a couple coaches tell me they wouldn’t have told their supers to vote for two divisions if they knew this is how it’d play out.
I’m finding out that there might be a push among schools trying to get 3 teams added in 2A and A. That’d give about 56-57 percent of each class into the playoffs.
I’m told something like that wouldn’t happen from the superintendents until the summer. And knowing the UIL, it might be hard to change at that point.
My thoughts — there would be a lot of really bad teams getting into the playoffs. And there would be byes given to district winners, which I’m not a big fan of either.
For districts like Olney-Seymour-Albany and Munday-Archer City-Windthorst, it would keep a pretty good team from being left out in the cold.
But I’m okay with it staying the way things are now. I was kind of anti with the whole two-division format to begin with (just add a Class 6A and reshuffle and be done with it) and I think making the playoffs should be harder than what it currently is in 4A.
I guess we’ll see if anything happens.

By now you have probably figured out that I am suffering from “writer’s block.”
Until I recover, I will again share with you a good joke I received in my e-mail.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
“Hello – How are you!
We’ve been waiting for you!
Good to see you.”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.”Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.”
The woman correctly spelled ‘Love’, and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. ” I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
” Czechoslovakia .”

This story popped up in my inbox yesterday.
It is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log in Sarasota, Fla.
“An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags ino the back of her car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was the same reason she had wondered why there was a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer on the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.”

It’s all about the Benjamins, baby.
This Super Bowl, allegedly, the funny is supposed to return to the commercial extravaganza that is a billion dollar advertising business.
I like to watch the commercials, but I don’t watch the Super Bowl to catch the commercials. I watch the Super Bowl because there is a pretty damn good football game that is about to occur.
And before the game even kicks off, there is a controversy. Already. Not about what is about to transpire on the field, (Colt Dwight Freeney’s ankle comes to mind) but what is going to happen in-between time outs.
Tim Tebow, the Florida Gator God and future NFL hopeful, and his Pro-Life stance in one corner.
And in another, a gay dating website, ManCrunch.com in the other corner. Look online if you haven’t seen the commercial that may or may not air. It’s funny.
I don’t have a problem with either commercials. These companies are paying enough money to have the right to air their agenda/”message” during the Super Bowl.
Again, I’ll remind everyone that I watch the Super Bowl to watch football. I can care less what happens when the action is paused.
The beer and the Snickers will make us fat and ugly, but if someone is looking for a little love or a little guidance when they might need a lifeline, those guys can go to hell or seek advice elsewhere.
I just wish people would focus their energy on what is important. Not this 30-second stuff that won’t really matter when it is all said and done.
Here’s a novel idea, how about these people watch the game and enjoy the company of their loved ones.

For years Bob Eubanks denied it ever happened.
I even once heard a radio interview in which the longtime Newlywed Game host offered $10,000 to anyone who could produce a tape of it.
The question was: “Where is the strangest place you and your spouse ever made whoopie?”
One woman had answered: “In the butt, Bob.”
Then a few years back one of those funniest blooper shows aired it.
After hearing it, the first thing I did (after laughing out loud) was ask myself: “How in the world could Bob Eubanks have forgotten that?”
Well, the latest Newlywed moment happened last night.
Or at least that is when I saw it.
The question — asked by host Carnie Wilson — went something like this:
“I wish my wife would try (blank). I think if she did, she might enjoy it.”
“Do you think anyone will say what I am thinking?” I asked my wife.
“Not a chance,” she answered.
She sometimes knows what I’m thinking before I ever think it.
Couple No. 3 was an older couple who I can’t imagine ever having sex before.
Well, the homely looking wife had answered first and said “Woodworking.” That, she explained, is her husband’s hobby.
But when it came his turn to match her answer, he blushed a bit before saying:
“Oral sex!”
HE SAID IT!
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
Neither could Carnie Wilson and believe me, this girl has probably heard it all.
“Woodworking” and “Woody working” are close, but sorry oldtimers, no match.
No second honeymoon prize for you.
But you will be back — the next time they show “funniest bloopers.”

For those hiding under a cave, the UIL’s realignment was yesterday.
Here are the teams that I think were helped by it, plus the teams that were not:

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