Archive for May, 2009

I’m at Hardin-Simmons here in Abilene and since I have Internet access — which is rare in certain places I go — I thought I would keep a running blog every inning.
Whoever wins this one-gamer will play San Angelo Grape Creek next weekend in the Region I-2A finals.
Here we go:
0-0 after 1: Holliday (visitor) had two doubles in 1st but didn’t score because Brayden Little (who was on second) tagged thinking Chris Sadberry’s double would be caught. It was not, and it cost them a run.
1-0 Holliday after 2: Eagles score once on Tyler Cole’s RBI triple. Colton Englishbee was thrown out at the plate on the play, and then Little (who went 7-for-7 last week) made a rare out. Eagles ace Matt Buckmaster has allowed a hit, walked one and has three K’s.
Still 1-0 heading to bottom of third: Holliday just left the bases loaded after two two-out hits and a BB. After three innings, the Eagles have stranded 6 and had another gunned down at home. Will this cost them?
Eagles 1-0 through 3: Buckmaster escapes his own bases-loaded jam, getting Shallowater’s No. 4-5 hitters to pop out and strike out looking.
Eagles score 2 in fourth: FInally Holliday breaks through. With two outs, Little hits his 7th HR of the year, a solo shot. Buckmaster follows with an infield single, then Sadberry comes through with an RBI double — or at least that’s what I am calling it. The scorekeeper says it was an error b/c the LF misplayed the ball. I’ll have to ask Coach Wolf what he scored it after the game since it was hard to tell with the sun right in my eyes.
Going to the 5th with a 3-0 lead: Buckmaster strikes out two more (he has 7 now) and catcher Seth Barrells makes a nice play on a dribbler. Shallowater leaves another two one base — they can’t afford to do that much longer.
The Mustangs are making Buckmaster work a little bit though. Not sure what his pitch count is, but I would not be surprised to see Sadberry making an appearance in the next inning or two.
Holliday now up 5-0: Eagles score a run on Englishbee RBI and then some good baserunning. He takes second on throw home, then third when the Mustang 3B goes to the mound with the ball.
Englishbee then scores when the Shallowater SS throws Cole’s grounder away. I hate to say this is over, but it’s starting to feel that way.
5-0 after 5 innings: Buckmaster gets into trouble when he gives up a single and double to start the inning. But then he answers with three straight strikeouts, giving him 10 so far.
This one is done: Holliday scores 3 in the sixth with five straight hits, the last one resulting in two guys gunned down on the basepaths. Wolf can’t be pleased with that, but he has an 8-0 lead. So he can’t be too ticked.
Going to the seventh, 8-3: Not the best half-inning for the Eagles. Sadberry relieves Buckmaster and gives up a BB, a HBP, hit and the defense commits a couple errors. Three runs score, and the Mustangs’ Justin Jones drove a ball to the warning track. But the inning is over and Holliday can breathe with a 8-3 lead.
11-3 with three outs to go: Holliday just had three triples in an inning. Don’t think I have seen that before. They are going to finish with 19 hits, nine of the going for extra bases.
We have a final: Final score 11-3 Holliday. If I get chance, I’ll give an update on the playoff pairing in a few minutes.

My boss man — E.W. Scripps — crowned another spelling bee champion Thursday night.
It was televised live on ABC, but I was too busy watching the Magic and Cavs to pay attention.
And today I am pre-occupied with my grandson’s kindergarten graduation and the Boys & Girls Club golf scramble, so I am re-running my spelling bee blog from yesteryear.
Be back with you live on Monday.
———-
Although you probably can’t tell it by reading 21st Century Nicky, I used to be a pretty good speller.
No, I never made it to the big dance in Washington, D.C., but I made it to the study hall stage at Reagan Junior High School. In the spring of 1960, I was second place in the Reagan spelling bee.
Some Barbie doll won it.
I remember at the end, when it came down to Nicky vs. Barbie, she tried to distract me by crossing her legs and giving me a small glimpse of adorable flesh.
I sat there trying to go over all the possible hard words in my mind, but what kept popping into my mind would not be found in my little Scripps spelling book.
No, Iwantolickyouallover was not in the book.
Neither was Pleaseletmeseeyourunderwear.
I became so distracted that I missed on a four-letter word.
Now, most teen-age boys are very affluent in four-letter word spellings.
But Barbie won when I spelled “gnat” — “nat.”
Heck, I could have spelled Antidisestablishmentarianism that day, but the little blonde teaser beat me because I missed “gnat.”
Why the hell is a “g” in “gnat?”
I mean we don’t spell “cat” “gcat.”
We don’t spell “rat” “grat.”
“It’s a silent letter,” my teacher told me.
I know about silent letters.
I have one in my last name — the “h” in “Gholson” — and it has haunted me all my life.
“How do you pronounce your name,” I am always asked.
“Just leave out the ‘h,’ ” I always answer.
Why didn’t the people who came up with our name leave out the stupid “h?”
Although I was almost a champion speller in my day, I never watch the spelling bee finals on TV.
Just don’t think my old gheart can take such excitement.
P.S.: Thanks to Frances Tate for helping me with the spelling of “Antidisestablishmentarianism” in this blog. I couldn’t even get close enough to google it.

First Bank, a bank that I used to work for and who I have a great relationship – when I’m not overdrawn, has to get with the program on their mobile website access.
For about a week or two, I’ve tried checking my bank account using my iPhone, a common occurrence in Wichita Falls assuming the number of unique visitors we get from people who visit TRN.com with a cell phone browser.
I’ll give them props for taking the initiative to develop a mobile web page. But don’t launch it if it doesn’t work.
First Bank has the know how to develop a mobile browser and then to launch a script that will redirect all of the phone users to the mobile site.
But if it doesn’t work – and after talking to a rep yesterday who couldn’t give me a date on the physical launch – keep it in the developmental stage.
I forget to pay my DSL bill and my account has been suspended (sad, I know). The only way for me to check my account is on my phone. Now, I’m unable to do so.
And after paying for the cell phone data plan I should be able to check the real web, rain or shine.
Most mobile sites have a link to visit the real site (ESPN, Twitter, etc…) So please First Bank, take down the site that doesn’t work, or give me a real launch date to work with.
I don’t want to hear the “when management thinks its ready to launch, we’ll make it live” statement.

Golf is a gentleman’s game.
Sometimes.
I am at the Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial today where 89 of the top 100 golfers in the world are playing. No way any of these guys would cheat.
Heck, they even call penalties on themselves. What other sport does that?
Can you imagine Phil Jackson jumping up and shouting to a referee: “Kobe fouled Carmelo. I saw it?”
But as honest as golf’s greatest players are, its slum dogs will cheat for a 2 dollar trophy.
I know. I’ve seen it. I’ve gone along with it.
That makes me as guilty as the guy with the crooked pencil.
But it’s all a part of this scrambling business.
Believe me, there will be a lot of cheating tomorrow at the Boys and Girls Club scramble. Some of it will be in the placement of the ball. The two club rule means two drivers, not two country clubs.
Mulligans are the cheater’s best friend.
Most scrambles give two to each player. But some guys never run out of them.
Twelve-under can quickly become 17-under.
I know what I am talking about here.\
I’ve played with some of the best cheaters in town.
Then there’s that one team that always turns their scorecard in last.
And always wins by one shot.
The best wood in their bag is the pencil.
I admit I have been a part of cheating teams. It’s much easier to go along with the crowd than be the one honest voice crying in the wilderness.
But I have also discreetly told tournament directors to keep my prize or give it to someone else. My conscience just won’t let me win dishonestly.
At the Hospice tournament a few years ago, my team was finishing on the 15th hole at the country club. There was a temporary green in the middle of the 15th fairway that year, so the hole was a 200-yard par-3.
I hit 2-iron to about six feet of the pin. It looked like I might win closest to the pin, but when we measured it from every angle, I was always about an inch short.
My buddies told me just to go ahead and write my name down. We were the last group, so nobody could beat me. And after all, the guy who was closest had probably marked his ball an inch or two closer than he should have.
“Nah, I don’t need a sleeve of golf balls that bad,” I said.
That evening at the awards ceremony, they announced the other guy was closest to the pin winner on 15.
His prize – two round-trip airplane tickets to anywhere American Airlines flies in the continental United States.
I have always asked myself what I would have done if I had known that – and not three golf balls – would be the prize.
Honestly but ashamedly, I don’t really know the answer.

I really appreciate people who skillfully do the things that I can’t do.
Because I have no handy man skills whatsoever, mechanics, plumbers, and electricians are at the top of my list — followed closely by anyone who can easily open a childproof container or a large bag of potato chips.
Right below that are great fiction writers.
I really, really want to write a fiction book. My wife says I have it in me. My daughter agrees.
But I just don’t see it happening.
That’s why I appreciate John Grisham.
This is one of the great fiction writers of our time.
Strangely, his first book, “A Time to Kill” — released 20 years ago — was his best. It was like hitting a grand slam in your first at-bat.
Still, though, the many books that followed were still good.
Those books begat movies which begat millions of dollars for Big John.
I have read them all and seen them all.
Even when he veered from the path of legal fiction and wrote stuff like “A Painted House,” “Skipping Christmas” and “Bleachers,” I stayed with him and enjoyed the change of pace. His first attempt at non-fiction — “The Innocent Man” — was also a cool read.
But this last book Grisham wrote is a piece of crap.
It usually takes me a couple days to read him.
It took more than a month for me to finish “The Associate.”
You’ve heard of books you “just can’t put down.”
Well, this was one I “just couldn’t pick up.”
It sat there on the table beside my recliner staring at me. With Grisham’s name boldly on the cover, it was promising me that if I keep reading, the story got better.
It didn’t.
Now every writer has a bad day.
Who knows that better than me?
Sire. I’ve written my share of crap.
But I don’t charge you 28 bucks a pop to read it.
I’m sure the distinguished Pasqual crowd will tell you I am just unsophisticated and don’t appreciate the finer things in life.
The big-time reviewers aren’t on my side.
New York Times: “Grisham has a field day. The Associated grabs the reader quickly and becomes impossible to put down.”
Don’t you mean It quickly grabbed 28 bucks and was damn near impossible to pick up.?
Washington Post: “Grisham makes it easy for us to keep flipping the pages.”
Yeah, but that was because I was asleep after one or two of them.
The Boston Globe: “Throughout, Grisham unwinds the spool of his narrative at a masterful, page-turning pace that pulls readers in and keeps them wanting more.”
I definitely wanted more. I wanted “A Time to Kill,” not “A Time to Snore.”
People, this is big-time B.S. from big-time newspapers.
John Grisham is a great writer who wrote one bad book.
Remember Ford gave us the Thunderbird and the Edsel
Chevrolet gave us the Corvette and the Corvair.
Someone Twitter this blog to Grisham.
Maybe he will refund the 28 bucks.

The UIL state track meet will be held June 5-6 in Austin. Here are when the area’s qualifiers will compete:

(more…)

With Damon Rodgers heading to Midland Lee to become the OL coach out there, Olney now has to look for a new head coach/AD.
What will Olney do?

(more…)

So is LeBron James too good to be true or what?
If you are one of the many basketball-watching daddies — like me — you would quickly hand your single daughter over to this guy.
It’s not just because he’s a great athlete making $14 million a year.
LeBron transcends the game he plays and the money that he makes.
He says all the right things.
He does all the right things.
A perfect citizen.
On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a 20.
While there is a raging debate out there over who’s the best basketball player — Kobe Bryant or LeBron, there is no argument as to who is the better person.
Remember Kobe did the nasty with that little slut in Colorado six summers ago and made her a multi-millionaire.
LeBron was 18 years old and probably in vacation Bible school while all that was happening.
Or singing in the choir.
Or delivering meals on wheels.
LeBron James is too good to be true.
Or, as my old daddy used to say — his farts don’t stink.
And that’s the problem.
When will LeBron screw up?
He’s only 24, you know. He still has plenty of time to fall from grace.
I grew up in the Eddie Haskell era of television.
“Good morning, Mrs. Cleaver — you sure look nice today, Mrs. Cleaver.”
I recognize B.S. when I see it.
Still, a few years back, I was totally conned by Alex Rodriguez.
He said all the right things.
He did all the right things.
He was LeBron before LeBron.
Then one day the mask came off.
And when it did, the phoniness of A-Rod was revealed.
This guy is just another con man, or as the Good Book says a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I hope and pray LeBron is the real deal.
Pro sports need more guys like him.

I rarely pass along e-mails, especially those that ask me to pass it along.
But since I am taking a Memorial Day holiday today, I will pass this one along to help us remember why we observe this important day.
It is the
VETERAN,
not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is
the VETERAN,
not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.
Many brave men and women have paid the ultimate price so you and I can be free.
Let’s never forget them.

Somebody named “Anonymous” shot me a disturbing e-mail this week.
First off, I can’t imagine parents naming their child “Anonymous.”
The self-righteous should give children names like “Pharisee.” Fits much better.
And the “disturbing” part of this wasn’t that I was disturbed by it.
Hey, I’m not welcome at Pasqual anymore either.
No, what is disturbing is that Anonymous is really disturbed.
Take your medication, man.
Here is what he or she said:
“You’re a Christian? I’m sorry that you’re so lost and confused about
your faith. Murdering and stealing are immoral and ARE illegal. Gay
marriage is immoral and should be illegal as well. Maybe you are not of
a healthy and sound mind to get married in the first place and you
confused lust with love. Marriage by God is between male and female
only.”
Is Anonymous really Robert Jefress?
Sounds like they have a lot in common.
I am a Christian and not one bit confused about my faith.
I am a sinner saved by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus Christ.
I believe I should love God with all my strength. I believe I should love my neighbor as myself.
Of course, I don’t do those things.
But I don’t judge other people. That’s God’s business.
My job is to do my best to love people. I also love my country and the freedom it offers.
We have the freedom to be different. No matter what the right wingers tell us, God loves both Democrats and Republicans.
We have the freedom to be different. No matter what Anonymous and his buddy Pope Bob tell us, God loves straights and gays.
Hate is not good for the soul.
Especially the saved ones.

The final count is in — and more than half of you who bothered to vote in our silly poll are about to get what you asked for.
“Is Nick secretly the Lunch Lady?”
But before we go there, I want to let you see what you missed by not picking the other three choices.
(1.) What’s the personality trait that Nick wishes he could change about himself?
Does a beer belly count? Other than having a 42-inch waist and not much hair, I’m pretty much perfect.
(2.) Where does Nick see the Times Record News in 10 years?
Knowing all my bad habits, I probably won’t be around in 10 years. And I doubt the TRN can survive without me?
(3.) Why did it take Nick 13 years to get out of college?
Some people go to school for the 3 R’s. I spent most of my early college years more concerned with the 4 P’s — pool, poker and — in order to stay employed — I think I’ll let you figure out the other two P’s.
OK, here goes.
I am going to review a restaurant and let you decide.
Am I mysterious Lunch Lady?
One of my very worst lunch experiences was at Pasqual, which I am surprised is still in business.
LB-1 suggested going there, saying she L-L-Loved the place.
She made the reservation for two.
Is there any other eating joint in Hooterville Falls that requires a lunch reservation?
Not the Bar-L.
Quite quaint, wouldn’t you say?
LB-1 told our waitress that she “just has” to eat at Pasqual at least once a week.
I wiped the slobber off her mouth while she talked.
My friend ordered mixed green salad and the pork tenderloin.
I went with the mixed green salad and chicken sandwich.
I don’t really need “honey balsamic dressing, accompanied by smoked gruyere cheese, fresh raspberries, and toasted pecans” in my salad. But when you’re in Rome —–
My chicken sandwich had Swiss cheese with bacon, avocados, lettuce, tomato and mayo on Foccacia bread and was served with a side of fresh fruit.
I felt like a fruit eating stuff like this.
The food was OK but nothing to really slobber over.
The price made me do more than slobber — it made me s…..
Throw in a couple of iced teas and the bill came to almost 30 bucks.
No wonder LB-1 only eats once a week at this place.
She would need to take out a bank loan to eat twice a week or find some sucker like Nicky G to foot the overpriced bill.
I handed the young waitress a hundred dollar bill, and she acted like I had just handed her a ransom note demanding extra honey balsamic dressing if she ever wanted to see her family again.
“I don’t have change,” she said.
I guess most Pasqual customers pay their bill either with a credit card or blood.
But I wanted to use good old-fashioned hard cash.
The waitress stared at me in disbelief, her eyes pleading “what do I do?”
“Go to the bank,” I suggested.
The waitress left and came back with my change.
I don’t know where she got it and didn’t care.
I tipped five bucks and change bringing my lunch total to a “yummy” 35 dollars or a week’s worth of Pat’s hamburgers,
I threw the “yummy” in there because I have never in my life ever written that word before.
In summary, my lunch experience at Pasqual sucked.
I give it one small fork.
So you figure it out.
Do I sound like the Lunch Lady?

Watch this mashup of Nappy Boy and the Muppets – “Dream Girl.” I did see Animal, so I’m a little excited because he would be my drummer of choice if I was in a band.

“Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. (Bleep), that, I like guns. If you’ve got a gun, you don’t need to work out! Cause, I ain’t working out. I ain’t jogging.
“No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there’d be no more innocent by-standers. That’d be it. Some guy’d be shot, you’d be all ‘Damn, he must’ve done something, he’s got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!’
“And people’d think before they shot someone ‘Man I will blow your (bleeping) head off, if I could afford it. I’m gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You’d better hope I don’t get no bullets on lay-away!’ And even if you get shot, you wouldn’t need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you’d take their bullet back. ‘I believe you got my property?’ “
That is Chris Rock’s opinion on gun control.
Makes a hell of a lot more sense than Craig Estes or any of the other Texas lawmakers wanting to let college students pack heat.
Craig Estes? Did I vote for this guy?
I might have, especially if he ever ran against Unopposed.
Unopposed has never won an election here in Texas — in Florida maybe, but not in Texas. Or at least not recently.
But today many of us are wishing we had voted for Unopposed instead of Republicans like Jeff Wentworth of San Antonio, the author of this goofball bill, or our own Mr. Estes, who co-sponsored it.
They are telling us that to avoid mass murders like Virginia Tech two years ago, we should allow college students and teachers to carry guns to school.
That’s like saying to avoid obesity, we should eat more Snickers bars.
Guns in the classroom?
Might as well throw in switch blades, ice picks, tomahawks, tire tools, brass knucks, bows and arrows and hatchets, too.
And if Ahab wants to carry a bioweapon in his backpack, why not?
Let’s not discriminate against anyone.
If this bill passes, Texas is not going to just lead the nation in executions any more.
We will also have a higher grade point average than any other state.
What teacher is going to fail a guy if he’s loading up a .357 magnum during the final exam?
And college basketball will be more entertaining also.
Instead of just booing a referee for making a bad call, now it’s BAM, BAM — hey, hey, hey, goodbye.
Oh, well, we didn’t need three officials for the game any way.
Shoot, I can’t wait for homecoming .
Should be a real blast.

I quit watching Monday night football.
Oh, I still glance at it — but don’t really watch it.
Joe Theisman is partly to blame for it.
Putting this clown in the same broadcast booth that the great Dandy Don Meredith once occupied was a disgrace.
But the MNF people wised up and ran Theisman off and brought in Ron Jaworski.
Jaws is no Dandy Don, but still a big improvement.
I could now watch and listen without throwing up.
Almost.
Tony Kornheiser is a great sportswriter. But a rotten announcer.
He’s witty on PTI. But that never carried over to MNF.
Now, he reportedly has stepped down because he has a fear of flying.
So did John Madden, but ABC bought him a luxury bus.
Kornheiser wasn’t good enough to rate that.
So now we have Jon Gruden.
“He is the two things you most want — smart and funny — and has the two things I don’t — good hair and a tan,” Kornheiser joked.
Gruden will probably add insight and humor to Monday night.
But he doesn’t belong in Dandy Don’s booth.
He belong scoaching Dandy Don’s old team.
The Dallas Cowboys desperately need a head coach, and Jon Gruden has won a Super Bowl.
So let’s make a trade.
Gruden to the Cowboys.
Wade Phillips to Monday Night Football.
.

So I ran across Eminem’s new album “Relapse” and I’m impressed. The 20-ish tracks are everything a fan of the great white rapper would expect.
Yes, he’s crazy. But crazy in a good way. Right?
There are a couple of disturbing moments in the album, but I don’t know if I’m grossed out because I’ve aged five years since the last time I heard one of his albums, or because it actually is crazy that he’s mentioning such a thing (child molestation).
I really like a couple of songs, I love a few and some others I could do without – mainly the singles that you’ve probably heard.
He hasn’t put out an album in a while and I don’t really count “Curtain Call.” “Relapse” is just as good, if not better than “Encore.” “The Marshall Mathers LP” is my favorite single collection of an Eminem moment.
The thing that amazes me is that he still has a that wit and hits it out the park with ridiculous word skills. His skill still shines bright on “Relapse.”
He also isn’t afraid to pull punches. He mentions an overdose and Health Ledger in one sentence if that gives you any indication. Is it too early to play around with the death of the Joker? Not for Eminem.
On the the album you’ll find that he goes into the closet to address the rehab stint that keep him away from rap and the death of his close friend Proof. Not exactly the run of the mill stuff for the average citizen, but entertaining nonetheless.
So, my advice, buy the “Relapse” tomorrow when it comes out. I’m going to wait for the vinyl release, which should be next week, May 26th.

It took balls for our president to be the speaker at Notre Dame’s graduation ceremony on Sunday.
The so-called “pro-life” people have always had a nasty streak.
They label teen-age girls as murderers.
Seven people — three of them doctors — have been murdered by people protesting “murder.”
Many others have been shot and wounded.
They bomb. They torch. They kidnap. They stalk.
I don’t think our president felt threatened by any of this, but he knew the protesters would show up at this Catholic university with their blood-covered dolls and “Baby Killer” posters.
Obama knew he would be interrupted and shouted down during his speech. And he was.
But he didn’t avoid his opponents like others have done.
The president stood before them and said: “We must find a way to live together as one human family.”
“Let’s work together to reduce the number of women seeking abortions by reducing unintended pregnancies, and making adoption more available, and providing care and support for women who do carry their child to term.
“Let’s honor the conscience of those who disagree with abortion, and draft a sensible conscience clause, and make sure that all of our health care policies are grounded in clear ethics and sound science, as well as respect for the equality of women.”
Smooth talk.
Words carefully put together by an expert speech-writer.
But in his first days of his presidency, Obama has proven to be a man who welcomes dialogue with those who oppose not only his stand on issues, but also this country’s stand.
It doesn’t mean every problem will be resolved or every enemy will become a friend.
Yet maybe some will — and isn’t that better than none?
Abortion is a hot issue and has been for some time.
I am pro-choice just like the president, yet that doesn’t mean I am pro-abortion.
Nor does it mean I am any less a Christian.
And it certainly doesn’t make me pro-murder.
Just like being pro-life doesn’t mean you are one of the nuts who kill doctors and bomb abortion clinics.
It’s just that our Supreme Court agrees with me.
The debate won’t end soon, but the hostility should.
Peace!

When and how did Nancy Pelosi become the Wicked Witch of the West?
People all over this country hate this woman.
They don’t know her. They don’t really know here voting record.
They just hate her.
Many of my good friends hate her.
My wife — the love of my life — hates her.
My daughter — daddy’s little girl — hates her.
I admit the chick is not much to look at.
She’s not a woman you’d want to find sitting in your living room when you come home from a hard day at work.
She looks like she could be a real bitch.
But is she?
I don’t know.
You don’t know.
Fox News doesn’t know either.
It’s not just Fox and Enemies that like to bash Pelosi.
Golf announcers are taking shots at her.
In a recent Dallas magazine, Dave Feherty — a golf commentator for CBS — wrote:
“From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this. Despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there’s a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.”
The first female Speaker of the House is more evil than the world’s most vicious terrorist?
Putting a target on Pelosi’s back might make right wingers seem less racist than they really are.
Ease up on Obama.
Load up on Pelosi.
There’s not much she can do to change anything.
She’s not going to get any prettier.
And she’s not going to turn into a right winger.
The woman represents San Francisco — one of the most liberal cities in this country.
No one should expect her to be Ann Coulter.
I checked out Pelosi’s voting record and found that we agree on most issues.
She voted to increase Medicare and Medicaid benefits. Check.
From the beginning, she opposed using military force in Iraq. Check.
She is for reforming marijuana laws. Check.
She supported a balanced budget amendment. Check.
She is for a woman’s right to choose. Check.
If she would tone down the waterboarding whining, I’d like her a bit more, but for the most part I’m OK with her.
But brace yourself, fellow Hootervillers . I am about to scare the crap out of you.
The woman you love to hate — she is two heartbeats away from the presidency.
—-
Check out the Web site poll and vote for my blog topic.

As kid bored to tears by another Sunday morning sermon, I used to sit in a church pew and allow my imagination to entertain me.
And every once in awhile I would try to imagine the preacher and his wife having sex.
I would look up in the pulpit at Brother Jim preaching his fire and brimstone message.
Then I would glance over at Sister Ruth reverently sitting in the second row, and seemingly inspired by every inspirational word being spoken.
But as perverted a little boy as I was, not even little Nicky could imagine Brother Jim and Sister Ruth actually doing it.
I knew they had three nerdy kids, so the preacher and his wife had to have done it at least thrice.
Or can you just do it once and then let the trickle down effect produce the other two? Hey, I was 11. I didn’t know all that stuff back then.
What I did know was that sex was dirty.
That was why I liked thinking about it so much.
No preacher would ever mention S-E-X from the pulpit unless he was shouting “Thou Shalt Not
Fornicate.”
To which I always wanted to shout back: “Thou Shalt Not — but I shalt”
The only people allowed to do it were married couples like Brother Jim and Sister Ruth.
And not to have fun. Only to have nerdy kids.
That’s why there was only one way — the missionary position.
If it was good enough for missionaries — people preaching the Gospel in Bongo Bongo — then it was good enough for married Christians in America.
Just don’t enjoy it.
Now along comes some preacher named Joe Beam — no kin to Jim Beam — telling us to have hot sex.
If you are married — man and woman only, he insists — the bedroom is your playground.
Beam is supported by the San Diego Church of Christ, which probably is not endorsed by the people down at the 10th and Broad Church of Christ.
Those good 10th and Broad folks will sing “Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,” but I doubt they would want to hear a message about sweet sex.
He says oral, anal, phone sex — all are OK between a man and his wife.
Different positions are good — even for missionaries.
Joe Beam is now saying what Jim Beam told me years ago and Brother Jim wouldn’t.
Brother Joe’s sermons are hot.
You can bet little boys aren’t falling asleep at the San Diego Church of Christ.
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Cast your vote today on this Web site as to what you would like me to blog about.

Forget the awful economy.
Don’t worry about the Taliban.
Swine flu? Just take two aspirin and call me tomorrow.
We’ve got bigger news to deal with in this country.
Miss California gets to keep her title.
Posing for pictures in your underwear is OK — Donald Trump said so.
That was all over the TV screen while I was eating lunch at Texas Best on Tuesday.
They were still talking about it this morning.
Quick — answer this question.
Who won the Miss USA title this year?
If you know the answer (Kristen Dalton), you’re spending way too much time watching 24-hour news.
You probably knew who Perez Hilton was before he asked his dumb ass question — 99.9 percent of the country had never heard of the guy.
And, thanks to 24-hour news TV, we all know Miss California — sweet Carrie Prejean.
Tell me why does a state need a Miss Whats-her-name?
Not only do we have all have a Miss Whats-her-name, we also all have a Miss Whats-her-name USA.
That’s because we have to send somebody to both the Miss America and the Miss USA pageants.
Miss America is the big one.
Miss USA is to beauty pageants what the NIT is to college basketball.
The “other” one.
When I was a kid, once a year we all gathered around the black-and-white TV set and cheered for Miss Texas, then sat back and admired Bert Parks’ serenading the winner with “There she is, Miss America; there she is, your ideal.”
But remember back then, we only had three channels.
And what do you think a young boy would rather watch — girls in bathing suits or Lawrence Welk?
Now it’s time to do away with all these beauty pageants.
They’re like boxing any way. Everybody is a champion.
Miss World.
Miss Universe.
Miss International.
Miss Earth.
Miss Heaven.
Miss Hell.
Miss Purgatory.
And nobody gives a rat’s ass about any of it — until up pops Perez Hilton asking a question about gay marriage or somebody comes up with a photo of Miss Whats-her-name flashing a little T and A.
The most famous Miss America ever was one who stepped down when somebody found pictures of her in her birthday suit.
Vanessa Williams parlayed that controversy into a successful career as a singer, songwriter and actress. She has been nominated for Grammys, Emmys and Tonys.
Do you remember Suzette Chandler?
She became Miss America 1984b after the scandal.
Gotta go know.
CNN is reporting more nude photos have been found.
Of Paris Hilton.
Or maybe Perez Hilton.

Some day, somebody is going to get killed driving this 9-block stretch on Lamar Street.
I hope it’s not Nicky G, but since that’s my route to lunch two or three days each week, the odds are not in my favor.
Who here in Hooterville Falls is responsible for designing this obstacle course?
Can we blame this idiocy on Jerry Lueck?
I start out turning right (north) on Lamar at 13th street.
At 12th — a two-way street — there is a four-way stop.
At 11th — a one-way westbound street — there is a two-way stop, yielding to north-south traffic.
At 10th — a one-way eastbound street — there is a four-way stop.
At 9th — a one-way westbound street — there is another two-way stop, yielding to north-south traffic.
At 8th — a two-way street — there is another four-way stop.
At 7th — a two-way street — there is another two-way stop, only unlike the ones at 11th and 9th which yield to north/south bound traffic, this one yields to east/west travelers.
At 6th — a one-way eastbound street — there a stop light.
At 5th — a one-way westbound street — there is a two-way stop, yielding to westbound traffic.
At 4th — a two-way street — a two-way stop yielding to northbound drivers.
Do you see what the problem is?
I stop on 12th, but not on 11th.
I stop on 10th, but not on 9th.
Then seventh is exactly the opposite of 11th and 9th — I go, they stop suddenly becomes I stop, they go.
I have thought about just stopping at ever intersection and looking both ways before proceeding, but this drastically increases my chances of being rear-ended.
You don’t have to look far to find a solution to the problem.
One block over on Travis Street, it’s a two-way stop all the way with north/south yielding to east/west all the way to the one-ways on 6th and 5th.
Nobody in this town — except for maybe Gilmore’s and other body shops — could like this b.s.
It’s got to be good for their business
And it won’t be long until Owens and Brumley reaps the rewards for this city’s stupidity.
Mr. Mayor, you are a smart and sensible guy.
Fix this before somebody gets killed.
There’s a real good chance that somebody could be me.