Archive for March, 2007

If you want to give your newborn child or grandchild a really nice gift, buy stamps.
A thousand bucks worth of “forever stamps? can mean a real savings on down the line.
The new “forever stamp? costs 39 cents.
For your thousand, you can buy 2,564 stamps.
If the cost of stamps continues to rise — like it has in my lifetime, here is what will happen.
By the time the kid graduates from high school, those stamps will have turned a 66 percent profit.
By the time he gets a real job, the profit will be 166 percent.
By the time he has a child of his own, it will jump to 300 percent.
By the time a second child comes along, it will be 400 percent.
Those 2,564 stamps are now worth 12,820 stamps.
And by the time that little baby grows up to be an old man like me, that number will have increased to 35,050 stamps.
While in the year, 2067, his friends are paying $5.57 to mail a letter, thanks to you, it is costing him only 39 cents
Since I was born, a postage stamp has gone up in price 1,266 percent.
And, come May 14, there will have been 19 different price increases.
I think the comedian Gallagher may have had the best idea.

(more…)

Even though the regular season of baseball doesn’t excite me that much, I’m starting to get more and more enamored with fantasy baseball.
I only have two teams, but that’s enough for me.
Here’s my run down on the season, mainly division winners and playoff predictions.

(more…)

With the chance of tornadoes in town yesterday, the editor scheduled a meeting to come up with a game plan on what we here at the paper should do.
Because I had an interview scheduled at the same time, I wasn’t able to attend the meeting.
But having lived and worked through the 1979 tornado, I already know what to do.
Hug the commode.
Pray a lot.
Then head to work.
I missed the first part of the plan back in 1979 because I was at the Texas Rangers’ season opener in Arlington when the big one hit Wichita Falls.
But on that long drive back home, I did a whole of praying.
Then headed to work.
That last part is a bummer, but if you are in the newspaper business, it comes with the job.
We didn’t put out a morning paper on April 11, 1979 — the only time that I know of in the 100-year history of the paper that we didn’t.
No electricity. No telephones. No game plan.
Thanks to Southwestern Bell, the Dallas Times Herald and a whole bunch of dedicated journalists here at the Times Record News, we did have a paper that afternoon.
Southwestern Bell rigged up one phone line here at the paper so that we could have contact with the outside world.
Although an angry managing editor slammed down that phone to bitch out a reporter that afternoon, the phone company was nice enough to fix it again.
We reporters banged stories on standard typewriters and dictated them over the phone to people at the Times Herald.
The Times Herald also sent writers and photographers up here to help cover the big story.
My small part in all of that was to cover what had happened at the National Guard Armory the night before. It served as a storm shelter for a lot of lucky people.
That same managing editor who angrily hung up our only workable telephone during the crisis had come in earlier that day and declared that it would take our city at least 25 years to recover from this disaster.
It only took a year or so before we were up and running again.

(more…)

As goofy as our current president is — it could always be worse.
We could have the vice president running the show.
For the most part, vice presidents are idiots.
Dan Quayle couldn’t spell potato.
Al Gore invented the Internet.
Dick Cheney shot his hunting buddy.
The United States has had 46 vice presidents.
Only 15 of those ever became president.
Five of those were never elected into the oval office but got there only because the president didn’t’ finish a four-year term.
The reason that only 10 vice presidents have ever been elected president is because once the country gets to see one of these idiots in action for four years, we decide we sure don’t want him running the show.
One of the 10 who was elected — Richard Nixon — lost one election and had to wait eight years to get in. That gave us a lot of time to forget what a dope he really was.
Vice presidents should show up at dinners and funerals that the president doesn’t want to go to. He can preside over the Senate but for the most part just sits there and looks stupid. Thank God he can only vote in case of a tie.
“24? is now showing us just how dangerous it could be having a vice president making big decisions.
With President Palmer in an induced a coma, Vice President Daniels is in charge and seems intent on starting World War III.

(more…)

An open letter to the town gossip of Hooterville Falls:
As of 8:20 a.m. CDT today, March 27, 2007. neither I nor Carroll Wilson has been fired by the Times Record News.
So quit telling everyone that we have.
I am not going to call you by name.
You know who you are.
Heck, everyone knows who you are.
I used the phrase “town gossip? at lunch Monday, and every person in the joint called out your name.
You’ve got quite a reputation, my dear.
But I guess the gossip about me being fired is much better than spreading around a lie that I had at gerbilostophy.

(more…)

“Seventy years are given to us.
Some even live to 80.
But even the best years are filled with pain and trouble;
Soon they disappear, and we fly away.?
That was the way Moses looked at life in the 10th verse of Psalm 90.
The best years of my life were the 50’s.
I was only 3 when the decade began and 13 when it ended.
But those 10 years brought us TV, rock and roll and Marilyn Monroe.
And a “letter to the editor? from Jerry Self last week reminded me of all the fun times guys like me and him had growing up in HootervilleFalls in the 50’s.
Self’s list of memories were:
Junior high school: It’s hard to describe what a rivalry Reagan vs. Zundy was back then. I am 60 years old and I still hate the Zundy bums.
M.B. Corral: Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis, Fats Domino — and yes, even Elvis — played in that old building. But my best M.B. memory was still Bob Wills.
Elvis in concert: I missed it and don’t know how.
Wichita Falls Boys Club: Monk Barnett; swimming nekid and wearing that card around your neck at all times.
Weeks Park Golf Course. I didn’t play golf back then, but I remember those dances in the clubhouse. We called it the Shack.
KMA Ditch: I wonder whatever happened to Beatrice Trevino.
Westmoreland Swimming Pool: Shirley Bates in a bathing suit.
Sand Beach Swimming Pool: That cool slide.
The WFHS Coyotes. In the 50’s, it was the WFSH Coyotes. Two state championship football teams and a lifetime of memories from Coyote Canyon. Oh, yeah, the WFSH was changed to WFHS after I graduated so the high school wasn’t confused with the state hospital that had the same initials.
Fillmore Hill. I found my thrill. . .
The Auditorium Hill. Sliding down it in a cardboard box was our hometown version of the Winter Olympics.

(more…)

The combination of a Disney fairy tale and the potential of a little girl is downright dangerous.
Why do we have to live happily ever after?
Why is so much emphasis put on marriage for little girls?
Rich children go to college; poor kids go to the JP’s office.
I’ll never understand it.
I’m just glad I had a boy…I think.

(more…)

Chef’s Table went belly-up this week.
Surprise, surprise, surprise!
The restaurant on Maplewood was open about a year and a half.
I never went there.
A buddy ate there right after it opened and told me it was way overpriced.
Having grown up in Hooterville Falls, I understand that “overpriced? here often means more than five bucks.
But from what my friend said, Chef’s Table was just a plain and simple rip-off.
Not a smart idea when you’re located on the same side of the street as a Pioneer. And really two Pioneers, when you throw in Fat’s steakhouse.
But the owner didn’t’ blame location or high prices on his failure.
Instead, he criticized Hooterville Falls for being a “fast-food supporting town.?
Every town in America is a “fast food supporting town.?
That’s why there’s a McDonald’s and a Taco Bell on every street corner.
But if you have good food at fair prices and friendly service — there’s a good chance you will make it here in Hooterville.
Just look at Casa Manana.
This family-owned Mexican restaurant has had the worst location in town for more than 50 years.
But it’s still going strong.
And P-3.
Here’s a restaurant that has two or three tables in its non-smoking section and provides a smoking section for 90 percent of its customers.
They haven’t changed the seat cushions in their booths since the Eisenhower administration — although they do turn them over every couple of years.
But the famous enchiladas with French fries on one side and cole slaw on the other are the best.
And the chicken fried steak is great.
And it’s surrounded by little beer joints and located right up the road from a bunch of salvage yards and a peep show.
Bar-L:
Barbecue, Humphrey burgers and chicken livers.
And cold red draws to wash it down.
Location: Across the street from the mission.
Branding Iron.
They close after lunch every week day and about 8 p.m. on Friday and Saturday.
But right before they open up each day, there’s a line waiting outside.
Great barbecue will do that.
Parking stinks and the location is next door to Tommy’s House of Music. And surrounded by a bunch of hole-in-the-wall beer joints.
Luby’s Cafeteria.
I have been to a lot of cafeterias, and our hometown one is as good as it gets.
A quality meal every time and a wide range of selections.

(more…)

I stayed away from “Dancing with the Stars? for as long as I could.
Dancing just never has been my thing — other than maybe table dancing or lap dancing.
And I really had better things to do with my evenings than watch Jerry Springer do the cha-cha-cha.
But last November I just had to tune in for the final dance.
I covered all of Emmitt Smith’s 13 seasons with the Dallas Cowboys. I watched him win three Super Bowls. I just had to watch him win a dancing championship.
If Heather Mills or Apollo Ohno advance very far, I might have to watch a bit of this season’s show, but as of right now, I have better things to do with my time.
Like drink beer and play poker or read “War and Peace.?
But I have an idea that might make “Dancing with the Stars? much more interesting.
It is called “Dancing for Dannielynn.?
The contestants would be all the guys who claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl and — for the sake of avoiding sexual discrimination — we would let Grandma Virgie shake a stubby leg, too.
Anna Nicole started her career as a dancer. Maybe tubby mommy has a shot.

(more…)

I know it has been a busy day for Jack Bauer.
After all, he has had to kill a lot of guys – including biting into a terrorist’s jugular and later shooting his good buddy Curtis.
He has tortured his own brother and been tortured.
His daddy held a gun to his head.
And now he finds out his No. 1 squeeze has been murdered by the Chinese, setting up a Season 7 in which Jack declares war on China. (That should help Fox’s ratings war with NBC and the Beijing Olympics).
And from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. this week, Jack – despite floating rib fragments and internal bleeding in his chest — diverted a nuclear weapon-armed drone away from San Francisco at the very last second.
The President of the United States is still in a coma.
A goofy VP is intent on nuking the Mideast.
And there are still dead Russians lying on the lawn of the Russian Consulate after an U.S. invasion between 6 and 7 p.m.
But what about Charles and Martha?
The former First Lady stabs the former President with a kitchen knife.
He is rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
She is taken away in handcuffs.
Isn’t that a pretty big story?
Wouldn’t CNN and Fox and all the other 24-hour news channels drop Anna Nicole for at least a minute or two to cover such a story?
Wouldn’t Greta at least leave quit her search for Natalee Holloway in Aruba?

(more…)

Thank you Danny Ahern.
You are an Irish Saint with a great bar and better ideas. Last weekend’s St. Patrick’s Day Festival was one for the ages.
The beer line was long, but no big deal.
The music was good, but it was the atmosphere that put the event over the top.

(more…)

The “Greatest Show on Earth? is no longer the greatest show on earth.
Heck, it’s not even the “Goodest Show on Earth.?
In fact, it pretty much sucks.
So I guess P.T. Barnum — the guy who started it all 135 years ago — was right.
There really is a sucker born every minute.
I know.
I am one.
But I wasn’t sucker enough to buy $37 circus tickets like some people did.
No, I won four “free? tickets in an office racket.
Notice I said “free.?
The quotation marks are there for a reason.
I was 23 bucks in the hole before I ever got to my seat.
You see, I am not really one of those suckers old P.T. was talking about.
Guys like me — who are raised in a pool hall — aren’t easily hustled or conned.
But I am a sucker for my grandson.
I promised Nicholas that I would buy him a toy at the circus.
I didn’t realize it would be the official “Elephant Streamers Spinning Light.?
Goodbye 20 bucks.
And then my wife just had to have a candy apple.
Three more dollars disappear from my billfold.
And before the day was over, I spent another six bucks on some stale popcorn.
So by the end of the day, “free? had turned into a minus-29 in the dollar department.
But look at it this way. I am still eight bucks ahead of the guy in the $37 seat.
You would think for that kind of money, we would at least see a tiger.

(more…)

Most of the time when I get an e-mail asking me to forward it on to all the people in my address book, I usually forward it on to the delete file.
And wonder how it ever got past the junk e-mail file with all the stuff from China.
But this e-mail caught my attention, and I think it is worth passing on.
It is a prayer said by Minister Joe Wright at the opening session of the Kansas City.
If the senators expected, “thank you for the birds that sing, thank you God for everything. Amen,? they were in for quite a surprise.
You may not agree with everything in the prayer — many Christians voted for Bush only because he said he was against abortion and gay marriage. (And really did nothing to stop either one)
But there is still a lot of truth in this preacher’s prayer.
So, here it is:
“Heavenly Father,
We come before you today
To ask your forgiveness and
To seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says,
“Woe to those who call evil good”
But that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium
And reversed our values.
We have exploited the poor and
Called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness
And called it welfare
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists
And called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline
Our children and called it
Building self esteem.
> We have abused power
And called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor’s
Possessions and called it ambition.
> We have polluted the air
With profanity and
Pornography and called it
Freedom of speech and expression.
>
> We have ridiculed the time
Honored values of our
Forefathers and called it enlightenment.
> Search us, Oh, God,
And know our hearts today;
Cleanse us from every sin
And set us free.
Amen!”

(more…)

This will not be coming to a city near you.
The new R2-D2 mail box will be distributed to about 200 cities, according to an AP article.
What fun, what fun!
I just hope he doesn’t shoot anybody with his laser.
I was also wondering if the actor that played inside the hunk of metal known as R2-D2 could actually fit inside that mailbox.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0048652/

I ran across a lovely little article that was in today’s newspaper about a Southern Baptist leader who suggests prenatal therapy to prevent homosexuality works.
I’ll let that sentence sink in for a second….
You have got to be kidding me.
The article’s lead paragraph states Rev. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary says “that prenatal treatment to reverse gay orientation would be biblically justified.”

(more…)

I love and hate my Diaper Genie.
It contains stink, but its killing my knuckles.
I know it’s hard to understand, but for the past couple of days when I’ve changed my son’s diaper I’ve come out with less skin on my hands then when I first started the diaper changing experience.
Its a little skin at a time, but the diaper genie got me good two days ago.
I now have a reddening scab on my left pinkie because of it.

(more…)

The recent run by the men’s basketball team was very impressive. I know this blog is a little late, but I’ve have seen a competitive time like this since I was a about 10-13 years old.
They won the LSC championship and made it to the NCAA Division II tournament.
Eric Dawson was a beast.
I still can’t believe that out of all the NCAA basketball teams, he led the nation in double doubles.
Who would have thought MSU had their very own Tim Duncan.

(more…)

I love me some chocolate spread.
According to fellow reporter Jessica Langdon, Nutella is “yummy, yummy, yummy.”
It’s one of the better spreads known to man.
Depending on my mood, it ranks somewhere between JIF crunchy peanut butter and All Fruit strawberry jam. And on a good day, it’s better than peanut butter.
You can mix Nutella with anything.
It’s a good spread on just about anything also. Want it on a cupcake, put it on a cupcake. Try a muffin, be dangerous.

(more…)

The draft is about one month away and free agency is as hot as ever. It seems like all the possible free agents have received big deals, thanks to the increase in the salary cap, and the NFL draft is shaking down as one of the most unpredictable drafts ever.
There only a few elite prospects, like most years, but it seems like there is a lot of depth at many positions.
Defensive end seems to be the deepest position to draft from, and wide receiver is far behind.
Here is my shake down on the top 10 picks, and of course the Cowboys selection.

(more…)

Who doesn’t hate getting pulled over by a cop?
You knew you probably did something wrong, and you’re worried about how much the ticket is going to cost you.
Speeding tickets suck. Seat belt tickets are even worse.
But according to an MSNBC article, there are a few tips to stick to when you see those flashing lights.

(more…)