Archive for February, 2007

With the move of the Cotton Bowl out of Dallas, Fair Park’s pulse just got fainter.
The run down, step-child part of Dallas is what it is, but why didn’t the people do a little more to keep one of its cash cows.
I doubt the money made during the Texas fair/Red River Shootout/Cotton Bowl actually stayed in downtown Dallas, where some of it should have gone, so who’s to blame?

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Today is the last day of the month.
Why?
Why isn’t Friday or Saturday the last day?
Why does February have just 28 days?
From the way I understand it, if things had gone as planned, tomorrow would have been the last day of February.
And that day, Feb. 29, would have been New Year’s Eve.
The original Roman calendar only had 10 months and 304 days.
Since a moon’s month is 29 1/2 days long and a sun’s year is 365 1/4 days long, the 10-month year just didn’t work.
Plus, everybody who bought a Hooter’s calendar got shortchanged four hooters.
So Julius Caesar — years before he had a salad and a casino named after him — came up with a calendar named after him.
The Julian Calendar added January and February at the end of the year with February getting 29 days.
If Julius had his way, tomorrow would be New Year’s Eve.
And we would be watching a lot of college football bowl games on March 1, which would really be confusing since March Madness is all about college basketball.
Well, Julius died and Augustus Caesar took over.
Augustus looked at his calendar and saw where July (the month named for Julius) had 31 days and August (the month named for him) had only 30.
That pissed off Augustus.
It wasn’t enough that he had a month and a lot of fried pies named after him, he wanted his month to have just as many days as Julius’ month.
So Augustus took one month away from February and added it to August.
Then later on somebody figured out that New Year’s Day should fall exactly one week after Christmas Day. And February was moved from the last month of the year to the second month of the year.
Now there has been talk of dumping our current calendar and coming up with a 13-month calendar in which every month has 28 days.
That idea stinks mainly because that only adds up to 364 days.
And then what if your birthday was on the 29th or the 30th or the 31st day of the month on our current calendar?
It just gets wiped off the calendar.
The bad part of February having just 28 days is that all of your monthly bills show up in the mail box a whole lot quicker than they do the rest of the year.
So who were some of the most famous people born on this day?

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Sorry about the lateness of this blog, but a computer virus ate my homework.
I didn’t watch any of the Oscars last night.
No pre-Oscars and no post-Oscars.
I really don’t care what kind of underwear any of the stars were wearing.
The only real part of the Oscars that I like is the “dead people? tribute.
We lost some great ones last year — Don Knotts, without doubt, the biggest.
“The Ghost and Mr. Chicken?
“The Incredible Mr. Limpet.?
“The Shakiest Gun in the West.?
Hey, the Academy could have given old Barney an Oscar for any of those.
Btu Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady beat Mr. Chicken; Paul Scofield in A Man For All Seasons beat Mr. Limpet and Cliff Robertson in Charly beat old Shaky to the draw.
So as brilliant of actor as he was, Don Knotts went to his grave Oscar-less.
He had to die to even be recognized on Oscar night.
I did come here to bitch.
I came here to praise the voters for not screwing up like they usually do.
“Crash?? Give me a break.
“Shakespeare In Love?? I’d rather see him in heat.
“The English Patient?? Gag.
But this year they got it right — sorta.
I would have voted for Little Miss Sunshine, but The Departed was one heckuva flick.

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You’ll have to see for yourself.
His rants are important to listen to.
It’s anti-Bush, but it’s much needed.
Listen, then think.
http://www.rollingstone.com/nationalaffairs/?p=943

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I’m tired of seeing it.
American Idol is becoming the epitome of a TV show that has stay past its prime.
I know a lot of people still watch, mainly 10-15 year olds, but cut the cord already.
Its only good when people are getting humiliated right and left in the first few weeks. Its mainly becase they think they can sing and they really can’t.
That’s the meat and potatoes.
The actual competition is a joke.

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All of my life I have been going to the bathroom and all my life, guys have been writing nasty stuff on bathroom walls.
My first encounter with the f-word was on the wall of the boys’ bathroom at Austin Elementary School.
I can understand why little boys in grade schools write such things.
First of all, we are in school where you are made to bring pencils and pens.
And second, all of these bad words are new to you. You don’t even know what some of them mean, but writing them on the wall is cool.
And cool is important to a little kid.
Most of those little boys grow up.
But some never do.
That’s evident on bathroom walls all over America.
This is not Shakespeare on these walls either.
“Want you bleep bleeped? Call 691-6969.?
You get a lot of that in bar bathrooms.
Some guys like to draw pictures of all kinds of private body parts on the walls.
A few are even pretty good, but it makes you wonder.
How much time did this guy spend in this stinky, nasty place to draw all that?
The best work is at gas stations and convenience stores along major highways.
But it’s not just gas stations and bars that you find such prose and art.
The bookstore in our mall used to be a place where these great writers and painters gathered.
It got so bad that they had to sandblast the wall above the urinal.
I personally have never written or drawn nasty things on a bathroom wall.
But, remember, I have my own blog to do that.

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Who knew it would turn out to be such a profitable business? I know marijuana is illegal, especially anything over 2 ounces, but what in the world are the people in California not doing.
After reading an article in Rolling Stone yesterday, it seems weed is alive and well.
Anything you ever dreamed about including/mixing in with pot is available.
What suprised me most was the Nutella (chocolate spread) product mixed with the stuff. All could be yours for a $150 doctor’s visit.

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The 5-column ad on page 3A of our Wednesday paper read:
“Want Banking ‘Texas-Style?’ Come See Us.?
It was an ad for Fidelity Bank.
Then sometime after lunch that same day, a man came and saw them.
He left them with a bag full of money and hasn’t been since.
The moral of this story: Be careful what you ask for.
“Texas-Style? Banking doesn’t just mean saying “Howdy partner? and “Thank you, mamn.?
Jesse James and his brother Frank banked “Texas-Style.?
So did Bonnie and Clyde.
But I thought bank robbing went out with Patty Hearst and her Symbionese Liberation Army friends.
In this computer-age, crooks have better, more easier, ways to steal — like identity theft.
Guys like John Dillinger and Pretty Boy Floyd would have a hard time making a living robbing banks in this 21st Century.
A couple of nuts in California found that out a few years ago when they walked into the Bank of America in North Hollywood.
Armed with AK-47 rifles, they pulled a Dog Day Afternoon, taking hostages inside the bank.
They later got into a shootout with the police.
One committed suicide. The other died with 29 bullet holes in him.
Our Fidelity Bank guy just walked away.

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Don’t expect Phillip Bauer to get any votes for “father of the year.?
First off, he murders his son Graem with a full dose of hyoscine-penothal.
Then he takes his grandson Josh hostage and threatens to kill him if his daughter-in-law (dead son’s wife Marilyn) doesn’t lead his second son to a house in which a bomb has been planted that will soon explode and blow up Jack Bauer.
That means no Father’s Day card for Daddy Dearest next June.
In the first 10 hours of the sixth season of “24,? Phillip Bauer has quickly become the most intriguing character.
Daddy Dearest is played by actor James Cromwell, whom we first met as Stretch Cunningham in “All in the Family.? He was also the nerdy father in “Revenge of the Nerds,? the warden in the remake of “The Longest Yard? and a regular in the final couple of years of “Six Feet Under.?
He got an Oscar nomination for his role of a farmer in the movie “Babe,? which I did not see and also had a role in several Star Treks, which I also never watched.
But I have watched the last 10 hours of “24,? including this week when Daddy Dearest tried to kill his terrorism-fighting son Jack.
But Jack escapes his trap.
To quote the great Gomer Pyle, “Surprise, surprise.?
The show is called “24,? not “10.?
What would the final 14 hours of the day be like with no Jack Bauer?
When Daddy Dearest learns that Jack has escaped, he orders his henchmen to kill his daughter-in-law.
Where was Grandpa Phillip in episodes 1 and 2 when we had to put up with Jack’s stupid daughter, Kim?
Jack saves his sister-in-law with a couple of well-placed bullets into the heads of a couple of henchmen.
Then he offers himself as a hostage replacement for his nephew.
The kids gets away and now we have Uncle Jack on his knees with Daddy Dearest pointing a gun at his head.
Jack apologizes for only giving him a cheap pair of socks for Christmas and not spending enough time fishing with his brother.
During the apology, Daddy splits.
But he leaves a cell phone with a number for Jack to call.

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Britney Spears shaved her head.
Sorry, but she has finally entered the 6 ft area of the crazy pool.
She isn’t exactly Sigeorney Weaver or Shinado Conner.
She must really need attention. I think the papparazzi photos of her bejingo was enough attention. She must have want to direct the cameras somewhere else.

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My editor, Carroll Wilson, has gained the reputation as a “restaurant murderer.?
He supposedly kicked the living chalupa out of Ruby Tequila and is now out to slam the door on one Taco Bell location.
So, C.W., while you are at it, would you please stick a knife in Carl’s Jr?
My mama and daddy were slaves of the restaurant business and my daughter worked for 11 years in fast food — so I have more of an understanding for people in this profession than most of you.
My friends even say that I have a thing for waitresses. Can’t argue with that.
I can take a little incompetence or even a little lack of courtesy because these are not fun jobs and the pay really sucks.
But it just went too far at Carl’s Jr. on Sunday.
I was really hungry for biscuits and gravy, and Carl makes really good ones.
So the wife and I drove down to the 14th-Broad location to eat breakfast.
This Carl’s Jr is located right next to the bus station. A bus passing through town had just unloaded and provided Carl with a lot of business.
But I wanted those biscuits and gravy and decided to wait it out.
We drank hot water disguised as coffee and waited it out.
And we waited.
And we waited.
And we waited.
That first bus was probably passing through Henrietta when I finally started getting really pissed.
Other people who had come in and ordered food long after we had were being served.
And we waited.
Finally, I went to the counter and asked to speak to Carl Sr.
The kid working there didn’t get it, so I told him I had sat there and watched two buses go through and now all I wanted was my money back.

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Zsa Zsa Gabor had an acting career that spanned 44 years.
Name one movie she was in.
And while, you’re at it, name one TV show she was in (guest appearances with Johnny Carson not accepted).
If any of you are thinking “Green Acres? as an answer to part two of my question, forget it.
That was Zsa Zsa’s younger sister Eva.
The truth is Zsa Zsa made a living being Zsa Zsa.
Had her name been Myrtle Gabor, you might not have ever heard of her.
At one time, though, she was beautiful.
But still, he was better known for being goofy.
He has been married nine times — although once when she was married to two men at the same time.
Her most famous husbands was No. 2 Conrad Hilton, the hotel dude, and No. George Sanders, the actor.
And of course her current hubby, Frederick Prinz von Anhalt, is now in the news after being one of six men claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl.
Zsa Zsa is best known for her many Carson appearances.
The most famous of those appearances didn’t ever happen. But it became urban legend.
I’m not going to go into detail about the “pet my pussy? story, but if you want to know more, check out http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/zsazsa.asp
Zsa Zsa’s second most famous moment came when she slapped a Beverly Hills Cop back in 1989 after being stopped for a traffic violation.
After being sentenced to three days in jail, she claimed that she did not get a fair trial with a jury of her peers.
“It was not my class of people,? she said.

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Well the day has come and gone. On February 11 at 1 a.m., my son, Lennox James, was born. What a joy.
I couldn’t imagine a better baby to have. I’m sure every parent feels that way, but wow, what a kid.
The experience was the “Texas Giant” of Six Flags’ roller coasters. Up and down my wife and I went during her labor.
But it was definitely worth every second.

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If you can really believe everything you read in our paper, Hooterville Falls will soon have its very own Hooters.
They said it couldn’t happen:
“Those Baptists won’t stand for it.?
“The feminists will protest it.??
“Hooterville doesn’t have enough hot chicks with hooters.?
“Decatur will get a Hooters before we do.?
Well, I’m officially a Baptist and I love Hooters.
I am not a feminist, nor never will be.
I bet our Hooterville chicks are as hot and hooterful as the girls of Odessa.
Decatur has a Dairy Queen and a Jack in the Box. We have a Hooters. We win
Better get in line, though.
I’m betting there will be a long, long wait to get in our Hooters once it opens — even though it is going in on the north side of town.
The bet here is within a year of the opening of Hooters in Hooterville Falls, there will be announcing a second location.
The southwest part of town, of course, is prime real estate, but I would like to see a Hooters somewhere close to the KYC.
I love the West End Hooters in Dallas that shuttles you back and forth to the American Airlines Center for Stars and Mavericks games.

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Not long after my daughter joined the “boyfriend a day? club in junior high school, she asked me “what is love??
That’s about like asking Sonny Bono how to ski.
Or Wiley Post how to fly.
I was an “official? three-time loser at the time — and that’s just counting three marriages.
I had “loved? and lost several other times that weren’t “official.?
But I gave her my answer this way.
“Imagine if someone had a gun pointed at you and your boyfriend/husband. He tells you he only has one bullet and lets you decide who gets shot. If you say “shoot me,? that’s love.?
For the first 53 years of my life, it would have been an easy choice for me.
“Shoot her.?
(And there were a few times, I might have even said: “Let me shoot her.?)
Today, I can honestly say I love my wife.
But I can also probably honestly say I didn’t love her when I married her.
I think you have to really get to know someone and experience the ups and downs of life and a relationship to “fall in love.?
Everything before that is just infatuation or fake love.
I met my wife Jenee’ 34 years ago.
We were both students at Midwestern.
I was 26 and just divorced from my first marriage.
She was 18 and just out of high school.
Not long into the relationship, she asked me to tell her I love her.
I couldn’t.
So she said “get lost.?
Soon after that, she married someone she didn’t love.
Then on Jan. 14, 2000, we found each other again.
Both of us had gone through some really rocky relationships.
But if I had told her “I love you? way back then, we wouldn’t have worked.
And although I have now admitted to you that I didn’t love her when I married her, I did want to fall in love with her.
And I did.
Today, she is my soulmate.
I think I finally got it right.
But as my Valentine’s gift to all the others, this song is for you:

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When I was a kid, nobody except us kids ever talked about sex.
It was hush-hush at home.
It was hush-hush in school.
And it was most certainly hush-hush in church.
The preacher not only didn’t talk about sex, he probably never had sex.
And if he did, he wore a suit and tie while doing it.
But all of us kids knew the rules.
It was Thou Shalt Not Do It.
So it was kinda strange last Sunday when my preacher started talking about sex from the pulpit.
About time.
I am 60 years old.
But the rules haven’t changed.
It’s still: Thou Shalt Not Do It.
Sorry, Tim, but I broke that commandment 43 years ago.
Shattered it in fact.
But, preacher man, I have never coveted my neighbor’s ox.
So give me a break.
I’m sure abstinence was much easier in the days of Queen Victoria than it is now in the days of Victoria’s Secret.
Even here in the center of the Bible Belt, our mall is a sea of cleavage and butt.
But the preacher is right.
Sex should be something that is saved for marriage.
Make love, not whoopee.
Still, I have one big question.
If God really believes that, what’s with all those concubines in the Old Testament?
The simple definition of concubine is “a woman living with a man whom she is not legally married to.?

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I didn’t watch the Grammys last night.
That’s 47 in a row I have now missed.
It’s not that I don’t love music, it’s just that I don’t know the songs or the singers or the bands anymore.
Sorry, but I wouldn’t walk across the street to see Justin Timberlake.
Never heard of the Flaming Lips or the Artic Monkeys.
Ludacris? No.
Busta Rhymes? Nada.
I do admit the Dixie Chicks have come a long way.
It hasn’t been that long ago that they were singing for small change down at Little Brothers on 15th and Lamar.
And I was in Vegas once when they gave a free downtown concert on Fremont Street.
I promised I would never be my Dad — so I have nothing bad to say against any of today’s music stars. And I won’t criticize any of you for liking them.
It’s just that I’m a golden oldies type of guy. In my opinion, the best music was between 1955 and 1975.
So today, I am going to give you Nicky’s Grammys — my personal best in those golden years.
The nominees are for best rock group are:
1. Beatles.
2. Beach Boys.
3. Eagles
4. Moody Blues
5. Rolling Stones.
And the winner is: Rolling Stones.
These guys have been going strong now five decades. And they are still good.
The nominees for best individual rock star are:
1. Cher
2. Eric Clapton
3. Bob Dylan
4. Jerry Lee Lewis
5. Elvis Presley
And the winner is: Elvis — they don’t call him King for nothing.

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You voluptuous qualities will be missed.
I saw a tasty movie — on my free time — that you did a long, long time ago.
You know, when you where skinny, and before you were a blimp.
But I have a conspiracy theory or two.
You inherited a fortune, or something close to a third-world country’s GDP. The money is the center of it all.

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It pains me to write this blog, because it will only expose an idea I want to die a painful death. But, I figured someone needed to set you straight – LZ Granderson.
(Who goes by initials professionally nowadays anyway?)
You wrote a insightful article for ESPN.com and I don’t think you could be more wrong.
You argue the fact that former NBA player, John Amaechi, coming out of the closet after retirement is no big deal.
You say, show me someone who comes out while playing. You say only that would be impressive.

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Norma Jean and Vickie Lynn did have some things in common.
They were both blondes.
They were both in movies.
They were both Playboy centerfolds.
They’re both dead.
Norma Jean Baker — aka Marilyn Monroe — died at age 36 of a drug overdose.
Vickie Lynn Hogan — aka Anna Nicole Smith — was 39 when she died yesterday. And drugs most likely had something to do with here death.
Anna Nicole, they say, always wanted to be the next Marilyn.
I don’t think she ever got there.
Oh, those 38 DD’s of hers were impressive, but they made her more like Jayne Mansfield (40D) than Marilyn (38C).
Marilyn never married an old coot with half a billion dollars in his wallet.
But Anna Nicole never married Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio.
Marilyn also never hired a lawyer/lover named Howard Stern.
What’s up with that?
And when Anna Nicole got goofy on the American Music Awards show three years ago, she drew the same kind of attention that Marilyn did with her “Happy Birthday, Mr. President? scene for JFK.
But the two things that separates Marilyn from Anna Nicole are:

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