Archive for January, 2007

How come basketball analysts are so wishy-washy?
One minute their big Mavs fans and the next they’re ready to crown the Suns. Everybody has a favorite, I still remember a couple people picking the Bulls before the season and the jump that saw when they dusted their first opponent.
I’m hear to tell you why the Mavs will win.

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A recent “letters to the editor? writer complained that there’s not enough News in the Times Record News.
In his opinion, we should be called the Wichita Falls Times Record.
In some ways I agree.
(See any Sunday paper for a good example).
But this guy thinks we should be the Dallas Morning News.
And that is just ridiculous.
Comparing the WF Times Record (News?) to the Dallas Morning News is just dumb.
For one thing, we here at the WFTR (N?) do not lie about our circulation numbers and cheat our advertisers out of lots of money.
OK, I got that jab in.
Now, let’s get serious.
To compare the WF Times Record (News?) to the Dallas Morning News is like comparing the MSU football team to the Dallas Cowboys.
We just play in different leagues.
When Hurricane Katrina hit, the Dallas paper sent several writers and photographers to New Orleans and they stayed a long time covering this story. They rented helicopters. They did one hell of a job.
Back here in Wichita Falls, we ran wire stories and photos.
We just don’t have the financial or personnel resources to cover big events like they do.
That in itself doesn’t make us an inferior product.
It just makes us what in this business is called a mid-sized daily paper.
At the same time, we are not the Bowie News.
And that is not a knock on that little paper.
It’s just that the Bowie News doesn’t have the resources to cover what we can cover.
We can’t cover the big story like the Dallas Morning News.
And they can’t cover Wichita Falls like we do.

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They crowned a new Miss America last night.
A girl from Lawton won it.
But nobody knows about it, and nobody really cares.
How serious can you get about something that is on Channel 52?
That’s a step above the NHL All-Star Game on Channel 167.
If you’re like me and didn’t know and don’t really care, Channel 52 is something called CMT.
Country Music Television.
Why is the Miss America Pageant on Country Music Television?
The winner sang a Phil Collins song — “You’ll be in my heart.?
And it started at 10 p.m. our time — 11 p.m. out east.
Most of the country slept right through it.
I remember when the Miss America Pageant was a big deal.
When it first came on TV back in 1954, it got 39 percent of the viewing audience tuned in.
Of course, we didn’t have 52 channels in 1954.
I think we had two — which could mean that while 39 percent of viewers were watching Miss America, the other 61 percent were watching a test pattern.
Miss America even survived the anger of bra-burning feminists who crowned a live sheep on the Atlantic City boardwalk in a 1968 protest.
But we protested everything in 1968, didn’t we?

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Happy birthday, Fast Eddie Felson.
And Hud.
And Harper.
And Cool Hand Luke Jackson.
And Butch Cassidy.
Happy birthday to Billy the Kid
And Rocky Graziano
And Judge Roy Bean
And Buffalo Bill.
And Louisiana Governor Earl Long.
Blow out those candles — all 82 of them.
Paul Newman — the greatest actors of all time who played all of the above characters and a whole lot more — is beginning his third year as an octogenarian.
At 82, he is 12 years older than old Jack Nicholson.
Damn, that makes me feel old.
Paul Newman was cool.
The girls wanted him and the guys wanted to be like him.
Some of the coolest lines in movie history belong to him.
Hud: “My mama loved me but she died.?
Cool Hand Luke: “Just calling it your job don’t make it right, boss.?
Hombre: “How you gonna get back down that hill??
And now he’s like a great grandpa.
Been very un-Hollywood-like married to the same woman for 49 years.
But he’s still cool.
Paul Newman is not just the greatest actor of all time — he has to be one of greatest human beings of all time.
He started his own line of salad dressing 25 years ago and has donated all of the proceeds from “Newman’s Own? to charities. That gift is now in excess of $200 million.
He co-founded the Hole in the Wall Gang, a summer camp for seriously ill children, and funds it through that business. Now some 13,000 kids a year go to the camp completely free of charge.
He was also a race car driver, who at age 70, became the oldest driver to be a part of any team in a major sanctioned race — the 24 Hours of Daytona in 1995.
Here are a few other interesting things about Paul Newman.

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The news is disgusting.
A guy who almost took the life of Dr. Tom Hoffman and his wife, Rebecca got a whopping 11 years in jail. John Fletcher did it all for the money.
It’s a shame such a good couple had to go through something like that. The had just returned from a dinner with some friends and were almost both murdered.
I was walking around the courthouse yesterday when I talked to Dr. Hoffman.

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Since I am not an avid reader of the National Enquirer and start puking every time I hear Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight, I had no idea who Kevin Federline was.
So when I a read a story that there was a controversy over him in an upcoming Super Bowl commercial, my first reaction was:
“Why in the hell would some insurance company pay millions of dollars to do a commercial with this Kevin Feder-Who?
I know who Kevin Costner is.
I know who Kevin Spacey.
I know who Kevin Garnett is.
I even know Kevin Mench.
But Kevin Federline? Who is he?
My Web search describes him as a dancer, model, actor, rapper and wrestler.
I don’t give a crap about dancers, models and rappers.
So what is this Kevin Feder-who’s claim to fame as an actor?
Has he won any Academy Awards? Golden Globes? Emmys?
He was one of about 70 dancers in a 2004 movie called “You Got Served.?
That movie had some really big names — like the famous J-Boog, Lil’ Fizz and Raz B.
Kevin Feder-who also once played a street hoodlum in an episode of CSI.
As a wrestler, they put him on an episode of WWE Raw last year and let him verbally and physically spar about with champion John Cena.
Damn, I missed that.
Finally, I figured it out.
Kevin Feder-who’s claim to fame is he was married to Brittney Spears.
No, this wasn’t Brittney’s 55-hour husband, Kevin and Brittney were married two years, produced two kids and — I have heard– made one really great honeymoon video that will make Kevin lots of money after he gets shut out on the divorce settlement.

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The Oscar nominations are out, and for the first time that I can remember, I don’t have an opinion.
For some strange reason, I have not seen any of the nominees for best picture, best actor of best actress.
Seeing “The Departed,? “Little Miss Sunshine? and Will Smith in “Pursuit of Happiness? is on my to-do list, but I just haven’t gotten around to it.
But to tell you the truth, the Academy Awards usually just piss me off.
It all started 40 years ago when they didn’t even nominate “Cool Hand Luke.?
I admit 1967 was a really good year for movies.
“Bonnie and Clyde?
“The Graduate?
“In the Heat of the Night.?
And on most years “In the Heat of the Night’ would deserve the Oscar.
But over “Cool Hand Luke? — quite possibly THE greatest movie of all time?
I don’t think so.
Paul Newman was nominated for best actor but got beat out by Rod Steiger.
At least George Kennedy did get the supporting actor Oscar for his outstanding role as Dragline in “Cool Hand Luke?
“The English Patient? the best movie of 1996.
It might have been the worst.
And “Shakespeare in Love? over “Saving Private Ryan? two years later?
You gotta be kidding.
Last year, though, I thought they got everything right but “best picture.?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman was a great “Capote? and Reese Witherspoon wowed us as June Carter Cash in “Walk the Line.?
But if “Crash? as best picture?
Not even close.
“Cinderella Man? got the shaft.
Maybe the snobby voters didn’t want to give the honor to a boxing movie two years in a row.

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Today is a special day in the lives of the two women I love the most.
My wife and daughter share the same birthday.
And that can be a problem.
Since I remarried again seven years ago, we have been a family.
More like the Manson Family.
But as of late most of the pissing and moaning has ended and for the most part, we seem to all get along. Or at least act like it.
Still, when Jan. 23 rolls around each year, I get stuck in the middle.
Wife or daughter?
Jenee’ or Christy?
The electric chair or lethal injection?
It has been a tradition in my family ever since the kids were little to go out to eat on family birthdays and let the birthday boy or girl choose where we go.
That can be a problem when there are two birthday girls.
And as hard as we have all tried, this two-for-one happy birthday party idea just doesn’t seem to work.
So this year I’m going to try something different.
It may work. It may flop.
My wife and I are going to meet my daughter and her friends at Wild Wings for a few beers.
Then Jenee’ and I will leave and go to the Bar-L to eat supper and drink red draws with a couple of good friends.
If that doesn’t work, I plan to spend Jan. 23, 2008 all by myself in Switzerland.
While I’m on the subject of birthdays, check this out:

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Denny Doherty died last Friday.
No big headlines. No big deal.
Most people have never heard of him.
But they have heard this:
“All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.
I’ve been for a walk on a winter’s day.
I’d be safe and warm if I was in L.A.
California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day.?
Denny Doherty was the Papa you probably never knew.
Yeah, you all remember the fat one (Mama Cass).
And some of you remember the unhappy mama and papa (John and Michelle Phillips.)
But Denny Doherty?
The Papa you probably never heard of.
But I’m betting you’ve heard this:
“Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day.
Monday mornin’, sometimes it just turns out that way.
Oh, Monday mornin’ you gave me no warnin’ of what was to be
Oh Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me.?
John Phillips was the main songwriter for the Mamas and the Papas.
He died six years ago.
Cass Elliot, the most recognizable of the foursome, died way back in 1974. The story was the fat Mama choked to death eating a ham sandwich, but the official cause of her death is listed as heart attack.
That left just Michelle Phillips and Denny Doherty.
Michelle had some kind of acting career. She was in the movie “Dillinger? and was on the cast of the TV show “Knot’s Landing.? She has also had guest appearances on “Spin City? and “Star Trek, The Next Generation,? as well as a recurring role on “7th Heaven.?
Doherty once tried to reconstruct the Mamas and the Papas with two new mamas and one new papa. But it failed.
He did produce a Broadway show — “Dream a Little Dream,? his perspective of the Mamas and Papas — but you probably have never heard of it.
He also did a children’s television show, “Theodore Tugboat,? which you also probably haven’t heard of.
But I’ll bet you have heard this.
“I saw her again last night
And you know that I shouldn’t.
To string her along’s just not right.
If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t.
“But what can I do. I’m lonely too.
And it makes me feel so good to know
She’ll never leave me.?

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After a little research, and Fortune/CNN’s help, here are the top stocks for 2007 – U.S. companies:
back up info can be found on www.money.cnn.com
1. American Intertanational Group – aig
A top insurance company only gets bigger in the year. You really can’t go wrong with insurance companies. They keep raising premiums and we all know they don’t pay unless underlined 5b of policy 56874 is correctly filled out and notorized. My point exactly.
2. Altria – mo
a tobacco and Kraft foods stock. I don’t see people not buying cigarettes or mac n’ cheese in the near future.
3. Conoco Phillips – cop
a big oil company and U.S. oil production keeps making big profits

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Baby car seat prices these days are ridiculous.
I don’t know who sets the market on these bad boys, but man, where’s the coupons when you need em.
Wednesday the wife and I decided we needed to pony up and buy a car seat.
Something that would last and something that was as safe as possible. It’s our kid we’re talking about.
We had some cash from a family member and we decided we were going to make the best decision possible.
We already bought an “infant” car seat. For those who don’t know there are basically three stages of seats.

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Just about 10 minutes after I wrote yesterdays’ blog, I realized who Anna Kearns was.
My favorite watering hole is Buffalo Wild Wings.
She used to be a waitress there.
How can I forget a 6-4 waitress?
I’m getting old, that’s how.
A couple of days ago, Anna Kearns was just a tall waitress.
Now she is a celebrity — at least here in Hooterville Falls.
Good for her.
After being a winner on “American Idol? Wednesday night, Anna came back for karaoke night at Wild Wings on Thursday and was signing autographs and having her picture taken with patrons at the bar.
She even got up and sang a pretty nice “Killing Me Softly.?
And to Rose O’Donnell and the Times Record News editorial writer who took such a high, moral stand against “American Idol” for humiliating poor, dumb, ugly and untalented people — get off of it.
It’s entertainment.
You’ve probably got a 100 or more stations to turn to — just switch the dial and leave us sickos alone.
Changing the subject, a friend sent me an Internet joke about Hooterville Falls that is now making the email circuit.
By now you have probably seen it. It’s a take-off on Jeff Foxworthy’s “you know you’re a redneck when. . .?
You know you are from Wichita Falls when . . .
There are 30 things after that, most of them pretty stupid, but there are a few funny ones that I will share with you here.

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Does anyone out there know Anna Kearns?
She was a contestant on “American Idol? last night, who, before her audition, said he was a waitress from Wichita Falls, Texas.
One Website (Reality TV Magazine) says she is from Wichita, Kansas, but we here in the Falls know about all that confusion.
A lot of airport baggage headed for Wichita Falls has ended up in Kansas.
And one president — I believe FDR — while on a campaign whistle-stop train tour came here and told everyone how happy he was “to be in Wichita, Kansas.?
Anyhow, I watched Idol last night and heard with my own ears Anna Kearns say she was from Wichita Falls, Texas.
The 20-year-old also said she had been in the Air Force for awhile but was discharged early because of a bad heart.
Now do you know her?

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It took me six years to give in, but I finally did.
(Please someone hum “America, America, God shed his grace on thee? a few times while I make this announcement.)
I am now a true red-white-and-blue American.
Together we stand — I and all my brothers and sisters of all races and religions
Oh say, can we see.
From sea to shining sea.
Those purple majesties.
“OK,? you’re saying, “Cut the crap.?
“You’re too old to join the Army.
“You’re too broke to buy bonds.
“So, Nicky G, why are you sounding like Uncle Sam this morning??
Because I lost my “American Idol? cherry last night.
I actually tuned in to the show that everyone else in America is watching.
“American Idol? seems to be a cross between professional wrestling and Jerry Springer.
You know it’s got to be mostly fake, but is just maybe a teeny weeny bit of it real?
Why in the world would you let some black guy dress up like Apollo Creed in “Rocky 4? and then come out and sing an Italian opera?
Or how about the guy who bought a cowboy hat in the toy department at Wal Mart and now thinks he’s Johnny Cash?
“I see that train a’coming. It’s coming round the bend.?

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After watching the first four hours of “24,? I have several questions.
(1.) How did Wayne Palmer get elected president?
Must have been the sympathy vote. Everybody loved his brother, David, and hated his weasel successor, Charles Logan.
But how smart is little brother?
First, he makes an agreement to give the Chinese a whole bunch of egg rolls to release Jack Bauer just so he can turn Jack over to a Muslim terrorist in order to kill another Muslim terrorist.
And then we learn that he is dealing with the wrong terrorist. When Jack tells him he screwed up, little brother Palmer ignores him and goes ahead with his plans to kill the wrong terrorist.
Then we learn the new president still has a screwy sister who he has appointed to run something called the Islamic American Alliance.
(2.) Jack kills Curtis to save a terrorist?
Yep, just when you think Jack may have turned into a big wussy, he shoots his good friend in the throat to save Hamri Al-Assad who, when he was the bad guy, beheaded a couple of Curtis’ Army buddies.
That may win Jack some new Islamic friends, but he’s not going to be popular guy with Jesse Jackson.

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I once heard a good joke by the legend Chris Rock. “What minimum wage means is, if we could pay you less we would.”
It went something like that, but well said. Working for minimum wage sucks.
And thanks to the new Democratic congress, the federal minimum wage will spike by about $2.10 in the next year or so.
It’s the first increase in the amount since 1997. It’s about time.

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$250 million. Seriously.
The L.A. Galaxy signed aging soccer phenom David Beckham. Better known as Spice Girl, Posh Spice’s husband.
He’s a heck of a player, but I can’t justify him making as much as Alex Rodriguez.
He’s leaving one of the best European teams, Real Madrid, and he going to the glits and glam of Hollywood.

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It’s too bad the guy went off the deep end.
He was a comical genius. You’ve probably seen or heard someone’s take on the death of Chris Farley before, but here’s one thing thats different. He had an impact on the lives of so many fat people. He was comfortable as a big guy.
He must have been teased a lot as a kid – a lot. That’s why he made it a point to make you laugh first.
He just could kick the “Casey Jones” habit.

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Remember two days ago when I was moaning about dealing with an insurance company.
Well, multiply that by 2.
Some woman runs into wife and totals her pickup back on Dec. 29.
Twelve days later, a guy runs a red light and wrecks me and my little red Mustang.
I spent last night, filing a claim on the phone with his insurance company while nurses and doctors in the hospital emergency room picked glass out of my head.
So today, we have one car at Big Daddy’s and a truck being assessed over at Gilmore’s.
But , instead of bitching about all that, I am going to take quite the opposite approach in this blog.
I want to share with you something I read this morning — a list of 10 rules for happier living.

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My wife bought me an MP3 a few years ago.
I didn’t know what it is.
She gave it to somebody else.
I don’t know what an iPod is.
Don’t want to know.
And now we are getting the iPhone.
The geeks are getting off on this latest tech toy.
I would like to tell you what an iPhone is, but I don’t speak the same language as these people.
May you can figure out this explanation I found today.
“An all-new interface makes this slim rectangle completely button-free. The whole thing is a touchscreen. 4GB or 8GB of storage inside for your music. Cingular EDGE (no 3G service!) for your phone calls. Wi-Fi. It actually runs Apple’s OS X and can do all manner of “smart phone? tasks…which is either going to be very cool or extreme overkill for people who just wanted a phone that could also play music. How long will it be before we start getting emails with a “Sent from my Apple iPhone? tag at the bottom of them? (Yahoo! Mail is included on the device, by the way, along with all manner of internet capabilities.)
“Other features include a 2-megapixel camera and a standard iPod jack. It’s also crazy slim at under 12mm in thickness. Wanna watch a movie? Just flip it on its side and you have a nice widescreen display. No keyboard: A virtual one pops up when you need it. We’ll see how well that works over time.?

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